Compos Mentis
by sweeny81
Summary: Post Endgame: Kathryn finds it difficult to adjust to life in the alpha quadrant.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Compos Mentis

Rating: T

Summary: The Captain finds it difficult to adjust to life in the alpha quadrant

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, well not all of them, a few random admirals are mine.

Authors note: Post Endgame. Every Voyager fan has got a homecoming story in them havent they? This is mine.

The silence was deafening. An oxymoron maybe but that was the only way to describe the atmosphere on the bridge. Kathryn had always believed that when Voyager finally returned home there would be shouts, screams, laughter, tears. She had always half expected to be picked up by Paris and twirled around like a teenager. She would give him her customary death glare before admitting defeat, he would grin, Harry would laugh and Chakotay would chuckle, while Tuvok would merely raise an eyebrow. _How things have changed _she thought.

She had imagined getting home in many different scenarios, another array, a wormhole, slipstream technology or some other yet to be discovered alien technology. She had never, ever imagined a borg hub or the appearance of a future Admiral Kathryn Janeway.

And what a revelation she had been. The depth of the Admiral's guilt and determination had scared Kathryn. Not because she didn't recognise her future self, but that she recognised her all too well. Oh there were moments of levity with the Admiral but her intensity and single mindedness were all too familiar for Kathryn. She could quite understand how she became the Admiral. Hell she was half way there.

Seven years ago she would not have said to hell with the temporal prime directive for her own selfish means, seven years ago she would not have come close to committing the murder of a fellow Starfleet officer – no matter what their crime - and seven years ago she would not have made deals with the borg.

Seven years with a stranded crew in the Delta Quadrant had changed Kathryn Janeway in many ways. And unfortunately not all of them were for the better.

She closed her eyes, forcing the negative thoughts out of her mind. _Be happy – you've just managed to travel over 75,000 light years in seven years._ The problem was that the silence was no longer just deafening; it was beginning to feel oppressive. Kathryn tugged at the collar of her uniform, her face felt like it was on fire and she struggled to get oxygen into her lungs. _Pull yourself together._

She looked around to see if she was the only person suffering, perhaps the journey had affected the environmental controls. Harry was staring in wonderment at the viewscreen, willing Earth closer with every second. She turned to her right to see Tuvok working quietly at Tactical before swinging back around to her left at Seven who was looking directly in front. At Chakotay. _Let's not go there. None of your business._

No one else seemed to be suffering from lack of oxygen. It was just the fearless Captain Janeway who appeared to be having a panic attack, while the Federation Fleet escorted the intrepid starship back home through the Alpha Quadrant. _That's the Enterprise. I wonder if Picard has ever had a panic attack on the bridge._

This was ridiculous_. _She needed to get some time to herself. To decompress. To sort through the myriad of emotions swirling through her.

"Commander, Ill be in my Ready Room – you have the bridge."

She didn't wait for Chakotay's response. She ignored the question that she knew would be on his lips and she dismissed the sense of everyone eyes on her as she retreated to her Ready Room.

_I just need to breathe._

=/\=

"She's got your eyes B'Elanna." Chakotay said softly, never taking his eyes off the beautiful newborn baby.

"Yeah but she has Tom's mouth though. Hopefully it won't turn out to be quite so big as her father's." Chakotay smiled at B'Elanna and Tom's indignant 'hey!'

Chakotay didn't know about the facial features that belonged to the Paris genes; all he knew was that this was the most beautiful baby he had ever seen. He could not have loved her more than if she was his own.

"I hope you're not going to hog this child all the way back to Planetia Utopia Commander." said a raspy voice behind him, he looked over his shoulder to see the Captain hovering at the door to sickbay.

He hadn't set eyes on the Captain since she retreated to her ready room a few hours ago, ignoring his questioning glance and the raised eyebrows of the bridge. He was worried about her. She did not seem as exuberant as he expected her to be. How he had imagined her to be on many occasions.

Although he had to admit, none of those occasions had involved sending her future self to be assimilated by the borg queen. And he knew that the Admiral had told her something about the future. Her u-turn had been too severe for it to have been any other reason. Whatever it was had spooked her enough to ignore the temporal prime directive.

He had considered going after her but hesitated. Things had changed over the years. A few years ago he would not have thought twice. Forcing her to talk of whatever was bothering her. But the distance between them, since the Equinox, since Quarra, made him pause. They had a left a few things behind in the Delta Quadrant, and while he knew their friendship would always remain intact, the platonic intimacy they had once shared appeared to be one of them.

"I just might Captain. Isn't she beautiful?"

The Captain walked over to where Chakotay was perched on the biobed and stood at his shoulder. He took the time to look at her as she gazed down at the child. She was tired, drawn and looked like she had just gone ten rounds with the Kazon and Hirogen combined instead of achieving the unimaginable in getting her crew home, in relatively one piece, from the depths of the Delta Quadrant.

"Absolutely. May I pull rank Chakotay?"

He nodded and saw the Captain smile at his reluctance as he headed the child gently over to her. But if had known the change in the Captain by simply holding the child in her arms, he would have thrust the child at her the moment she walked into the room. Radiant was not the word. It was as if every ounce of Captain and protocol and responsibility had melted away and all was left was Kathryn.

"Oh my B'Elanna. She really is beautiful. Did you decide on Miral for her name?" she looked up at B'Elanna and Tom.

"We did." said Tom, who was smirking no doubt at the change in his formidable Captain. She had gone all gooey. There was no other word for it.

"But," B'Elanna interjected, "We also decided on a middle name."

"Captain, meet Miral Kathryn Paris."

That made the Captain look up sharply and Chakotay was shocked to see the tears form in her eyes, a quick glance at Tom and B'Elanna showed they too were having difficulty keeping their emotions in check.

The Captain swallowed thickly, her voice husk with tears, "I don't know what to say. I am truly honoured. Truly, truly honoured."

She looked over at Chakotay and he was floored again by the radiance in her smile and the tears that threatened. He couldn't help but grin back. He stood to edge closer to where Kathryn was swaying with the baby and rested a hand on her shoulder.

"Miral Kathryn. Named after two formidable women. One of them is the bravest, decent and most remarkable woman, I've ever met."

He felt Kathryn lean lightly against him and saw Tom lay an arm round his wife's shoulder as they sat up on the bio bed. If you had told Chakotay seven years ago that he would witnessing the naming of B'Elanna and Tom Paris' child, after a Starfleet Captain no less, he would have thought the world had gone mad. How much had changed. The selfish, thoughtless Tom Paris had become a husband, father and consummate Starfleet Lieutenant. The brash, impulsive and difficult B'Elanna Torres was now a mother as well as the Chief Engineer on a Federation starship and lectured junior staff about Starfleet protocols and adherence to them.

And he, the angry warrior, had finally found the peace he had been searching for his entire life.

"It almost makes you want one, doesn't it?" he said with a laugh and the Captain chuckled next to him. Her gaze riveted once more to Miral but with her eyes serious, she whispered, "I don't think I could ever deserve something so wonderful."

Her tone was so serious but Chakotay was prevented from commenting by the swish of the sickbay doors behind him.

"Come in Seven." Called Tom and Chakotay felt the Captain tense in his arms. Why he had no idea.

"I am told it is customary to pass on congratulations to the parents of a newly born child."

"Thank you Seven," said B'Elanna as the Captain moved towards her, away from Chakotay and deposited the child back in her mother's arms. When she turned around, gone was the softness and radiant smile. The Captain's mask was back firmly in place.

"I'll leave you to your visitors, Lieutenants, I am sure there will be a herd of officers tripping over themselves to see our latest crew member."

"_Tuvok to Captain Janeway"_

"Janeway here."

" _We are nearing Planetia Utopia."_

"I'll be right there Tuvok. Mr Paris, I understand that you may want to remain here but if you would like to be the one to truly bring Voyager home, she is all yours."

B'Elanna nodded to her husband. "I would be honoured, Captain. After all we know what happens when Chakotay pilots."

The Captain smirked at Tom before turning to Chakotay, "Commander, I think we will need you on the bridge."

"Aye, Captain ."

As Seven and Tom began to file out, Chakotay looked back to see the Captain hovering next to B'Elanna.

He was intrigued by B'Elanna's face as she watched the Captain say her goodbyes to Miral. In her eyes there was what looked like what? Sympathy? Surely not. The Captain, her attention riveted to the child, had missed it and merely patted her Chief Engineers shoulder in wordless congratulations before turning back towards him.

"After you Commander. We wouldn't want to miss a fine display of Mr Paris' docking skills."

=/\=

Kathryn was pleased that Starfleet had allowed the crew one last evening aboard Voyager before disembarking at Planetia Utopia. The next day the crew would be reunited with their loved ones at the space station and Kathryn was grateful that Starfleet was allowing that reunion to happen in relative privacy. There had been rumours of Voyager landing at the Presidio in full view of the media, the idea that her crew's emotional family reunions would be on such public display sent shivers down her spine.

The crew had also not had much opportunity to celebrate following the first appearance of the Admiral and Kathryn knew that her little family needed to enjoy being together one last time.

She entered the holodeck and headed straight for Tuvok, who was conversing with Ayala at the bar, holding what suspiciously looked like a glass of champagne.

"Are my eyes deceiving me? Is that my 2nd Officer drinking champagne?"

"Indeed it is Captain. Abstaining from the traditional human method of celebration did not seem...logical on this occasion."

Kathryn patted him on the arm with a chuckle as Chell offered her the Alpha Quadrant tipple of her choice.

"I think I will treat myself to a single malt whiskey. No ice."

"A woman after my own heart, Captain," said Ayala, leaning conspiratorially towards her, "Can I interest you in a glass of Glenmorangie, the finest 12 year old, single malt Scottish whiskey in the universe?"

"Why Lieutenant, how could I refuse? Thank you," the Captain said as she accepted the offered glass. "Hmm very good Mike, almost as good as a Jameson."

"You wound me Captain, a Jameson does not even come close. A Glen Moray on the other hand would knock your socks off."

"Are you trying to tell me the Scots know more about whiskey than the Irish, Lieutenant?" Kathryn mock glared at her security officer, who took no notice whatsoever and grinned.

"That's exactly..."

"I fail to see how a beverage with the same properties could ever be so different to warrant a discussion on their individuality," interrupted Tuvok and Ayala shared a withering glance with the Captain. _Vulcans_. The Captain was about to respond when her attention was diverted by the arrival of Chakotay and Seven into the mess hall.

She raised her glass in greeting at the couple before turning back to the bar when they stopped to talk to Naomi and Icheb. She downed the whiskey in one large gulp, feeling the welcome burn at the back of her throat. She beckoned Ayala closer.

"You know Lieutenant, I think I am going to need another shot or two of your Scottish whiskey to make an informed decision on its attributes. If you are willing to share of course?"

"I would be honoured to Captain."

Kathryn glanced at Tuvok and tried not to notice the raised eyebrow of her Chief Security Officer as she accepted a refill and diverted her attention back to Mike.

"Do you think we can replicate a bottle of this Glen Moray?"

Tuvok's eyebrow got higher.

Sometime later and nicely buzzed by her fourth or fifth glass of Glenmorangie (Ayala had refused to replicate the Glen Moray, a sacrilege he called it, and promised to send her a bottle) Kathryn felt the weird weight that had rested heavily on her shoulders the last few hours drift away.

The happiness and excitement of her crew was infectious. She had tried on several occasions to leave, thinking her crew would enjoy themselves more freely without their Commanding Officer present but they would not hear of it. Ayala had decided his security duties now extended to topping up her glass and blocking her way to the door with members of the crew who wanted to tell her how grateful they were to her, how much they respect her and how thankful they were to be finally home.

When Ken Dalby had said he would follow her anywhere, even back to the Delta Quadrant, she thought her Captain's mask would finally break. Ayala had quickly moved them on, sensing the Captain's emotions.

She wandered over to B'Elanna who was resting with Miral by the door to the holodeck and looked fantastic given that she had only given birth a few hours before. The wonders of 24th Century medicine, or perhaps her Klingon heritage.

Mike gave her a disapproving glare as she walked towards the door and she pointed to B'Elanna in defence.

"How's mommy doing?" Kathryn asked as she sat next to B'Elanna.

"Mommy is tired, sore and wants to sleep for a week. But I'm also elated." Kathryn smiled at her normally brusque Chief Engineer. "I'm not sure how to describe it, but the moment she was born...I don't think I have ever felt anything like it. Part of me cant believe any of its real, having Miral, getting home."

"I know what you mean, it even crossed my mind that the Hirogen were back and this was another of their holoprogrammes." Kathryn caught B'Elanna's blush, "What?"

"While Tom was feeding Miral earlier I did a full system wide check for any anomalies," B'Elanna whispered.

"So did I," Kathryn admitted and threw her head back and laughed while B'Elanna chuckled at their paranoia.

"What's the joke?" asked Tom as he and Chakotay approached the table. Tom sat down the other side of B'Elanna while Chakotay remained standing.

Kathryn turned to Tom with a wry smile, "Our mutual paranoia. We'll be looking for holoemitters under the sofa in our quarters next."

B'Elanna laughed again with the Captain, while the men looked on in amused confusion. Kathryn waved her hand to say ignore us.

"So what are you two up to?"

"Admitting defeat, as are most the crew. On one side everyone wants to party until the early hours..."

"It is the early hours Tom."

"Well, continue until dawn then. The body however is just not willing."

Kathryn laughed at the slumped form of her helmsman.

"The kids just don't have the stamina these days do they Commander?" she joked to Chakotay who chuckled back.

"It looks not Captain, it seems most of our kids are heading back to their quarters."

After a good half an hour of good nights and shaking the hand of her entire crew, Kathryn was left with her senior staff and Ayala (who was still taking his new duties extremely seriously). She was shocked by the sudden exhaustion she felt. Handing the sleeping Miral back to her mother she was about to make her excuses to leave when Seven beat her to it.

"I'll walk you back Seven," Chakotay said, smiling his goodbyes to his colleagues who all looked nonplussed apart from B'Elanna who looked like she was about to throttle him.

"Good evening, Seven. Chakotay."

"Captain." He nodded before escorting Seven out of the room with a hand at the small of her back.

Silence descended over the group as it became obvious to everyone that there was something going on between their First Officer and the former Borg drone.

"You're kidding me?" spluttered Tom. "He's not, please tell me he's not seriously...ow! What was that for?" B'Elanna had now turned her glare on her husband who was rubbing his ribs in pain.

Silence descended as Kathryn stole a glance at the Doctor who, if she didn't know was a hologram, could have sworn he had gone pale.

Kathryn was saved the awkwardness or discussing her XO's latest entanglement by her loyal security officer, who extended his arm out to her.

"Captain, may I escort you safely home?" he asked formally, but she saw the glint in his eyes.

"Thank you Lieutenant. Good night everyone, I'll see you for the staff briefing tomorrow morning."

There was a chorus of 'Goodnight Captain' as she left the room on the arm of Mike Ayala.

Moments later as they were making their way through the winding corridors of Voyager, Kathryn could not remember the last time she had laughed as freely as she did with Mike, who was regaling her with tales of his youthful exploits.

"I can't believe you did that!"

"Neither could my mother. She refused to talk to me for two weeks, said I had brought shame on the whole family."

"I guess problems with authority figures was something that followed you into the Maquis Lieutenant."

"It certainly did Captain."

They reached the door of the Captain's quarters with Kathryn feeling happier than she had felt since the first arrival of the Admiral. She turned to Mike with a genuine smile on her face,

"Thank you Lieutenant, and not just for the walk home. You've been a most dedicated officer this evening. I appreciate it and all you've done for this ship over the past seven years."

Ayala ducked his head in pleased embarrassment, "The thanks should go to you Captain. I wouldn't have followed any old Starfleet captain out here. You earned the respect of all of us and I couldn't agree more with Dalby. We'd all follow you back to the Delta Quadrant."

Kathryn felt the rush of tears and wondered what the hell had happened to the damn captain's mask she had perfected over the years. It seemed to disappear through the transwarp hub with the rest of the Delta Quadrant.

"Thank you, Mike. After being responsible for stranding you here, away from your sons for all these years, that is very generous of you."

Ayala paused as if unsure of himself, "Captain I have missed my sons, of course I have. But I am surprised that you think that I or any of the crew would blame you for what happened,"

"I was the one who made the decision, Mike. For all of us."

"And none of us would go back and change that decision." Ayala took a deep breath.

"Permission to speak freely Captain?"

Kathryn could only nod her assent.

"You need to let it go. The crew did a long time ago - even Mortimer." They both laughed at that, the normally reclusive Mortimer had come around the past year or two.

"There is no reason for guilt, the caretaker brought us here. I would not be able to live with myself if getting back home had come at the cost of all those Ocampan lives. And you know what? What if we had got back? Where would the Maquis be? We would be in prison in Cardassia or slaughtered on Tevlik."

Kathryn shivered at the casual way Ayala spoke.

"And as for the Starfleet crew. The Dominion War was brutal Captain, two thirds of this crew would probably be dead by now. We've all been getting sad news from home, Maquis and Starfleet alike. We've all lost too many comrades these past few years, for some of us there is not a lot to go home to."

Ayala looked deep into the Captain's eyes and Kathryn knew that he must be able to see the glistening tears. He stepped closer to her.

"I wont deny that seeing my sons again has been my drive to get back to Earth but they are grown men now, forging their own lives. Home? Home for me and for most of the crew is right here Captain. On Voyager. "

Kathryn was speechless by Ayala's passionate words and reached up to squeeze his shoulder.

"I cant tell you how much that means to me Lieutenant. Thank you." It was barely a whisper and she was relieved that Ayala knew to take a step back.

"You say that to me now, but after plying you with whiskey this evening, will you still respect me in the morning?"

Kathryn burst out laughing, breaking the emotional tension.

"If you weren't under my command Mike I'd hug you," she winked at him.

"If I weren't under your command Captain I'd be asking for a lot more than a hug."

Kathryn' eyebrow rose at that but the death glare didn't last long and it soon reduced to an eye roll.

"Get out of here Lieutenant. You're delirious and obviously need to sleep off the terrible Scottish whiskey you've been consuming."

"Terrible, you say. Ill make sure my boys don't bring that bottle of Glen Moray tomorrow then."

"Now, there's no need to over-react…"

"Goodnight Captain." Ayala turned to go but was stopped by the Captain's arm.

"Thank you Mike."

"For the whiskey?" he grinned as the Captain shook her head in mock frustration.

"For the whiskey, the walk to my door and for seven years of faithful service to this crew."

"In that order Captain?" Ayala joked.

"In that order Lieutenant."

=/\=

Chakotay was feeling good. Voyager was home, Starfleet hadn't tried to have him arrested yet, he had drunk copious amounts of Chateau Picard Champagne, had just walked a beautiful young girl back to her 'chamber' and had spent a rather stimulating brief few minutes exploring a part of Seven he, honestly and truthfully had never thought about exploring until a few weeks ago.

Life was good. Life was very, very good. He almost felt like whistling….As he stepped out the turbo lift to the officer's quarters he thought he heard the Captain's voice. She couldn't have stayed much longer at the party after he and Seven left. Damn, he thought, she really needed to spend some time letting her hair down with the crew.

As he got closer he was surprised to hear her laughing with another male member of the crew.

"….if you weren't under my command Mike, I'd hug you." Chakotay's eyes bulged at that one. She had never sounded so familiar with a crew member outside of the senior officers. So he was certainly not expecting Ayala's reply.

"If I wasn't under your command Captain I'd be asking for a lot more than a hug." Chakotay froze. He was probably going to have to scrape Ayala off a bulkhead once the Captain was finished with him.

"Get out of here lieutenant, you're delirious…." Chakotay couldn't believe this was his Captain. Starfleet's golden girl, who had upheld Starfleet protocol throughout the depths and the tribulations of the Delta Quadrant. She was flirting with her security officer.

He stopped dead in his tracks, not wanting to interrupt, the Captain would be embarrassed if she knew her first officer had overheard. He couldn't make out the Captain's next words they were spoken so softly or Ayala's reply. After a few moments he chanced a peek round the corner and was barrelled into by a familiar figure.

"Sorry Commander, I wasn't watching where I was going."

"As you were Lieutenant. Everything OK?"

"I escorted the Captain safely back to her quarters, Commander." Ayala leaned in conspiratorially and Chakotay was not surprised to notice the stale alcohol on the officers breath.

"She drank nearly a half bottle of whiskey to herself tonight. I wanted to make sure she was ok."

Chakotay whistled, he had never seen the Captain drink anything more potent than a bottle of Antarian Cider, the effects of which were about as mild as synthenol.

"I know impressive isn't it? I bet she drank all those up tight 'fleeters under the table back at the academy."

"You don't seem all that sober, Lieutenant." Chakotay smirked Ayala liked indulge when he had the chance.

"I was on duty sir."

"Duty? You really shouldn't have been drinking Mike, did Tuvok change shifts around?"

"No, Sir."

Ayala looked awkward, which was unlike him and Chakotay got more and more confused.

"Then what…"

"I wanted to make sure she was ok."

"OK? Was something wrong?" Chakotay was worried now, he had his own concerns about the Captain's behaviour the past couple of days but he had hoped the rest of the crew had not noticed anything. He should have spoken to her about it but he had barely spent any time alone with her. Come to think of it, he hadn't spent much time with the Captain for a few weeks now.

Ayala looked at his Commander as if he had grown two heads. "She just got us home Chakotay. From the Delta Quadrant. After seven years of being on constant yellow alert. She's been shot at, blown up, assimilated by the borg, stranded by the Kazon, had her memory wiped, turned into a lizard, gone back in time, forward in time, met a future version of herself, battled the borg queen eyeball to eyeball, argued with Q, saved the continuum and done this all while leading 152 crew through unknown space with no back-up and the prospect of a 70 year journey ahead of her. "

Chakotay could barely respond before Ayala continued his diatribe. Maybe he was a little more worse for wear than Chakotay had first thought.

"So yes, I was a little concerned when she so readily downed a shot of whiskey this evening because its all going to catch up with her at some point and I wanted to make sure someone was there to break the fall."

Keen to dismiss any gossiping among the crew, Chakotay tried to waive it off, "That's very decent of you Mike, but I am sure she's fine. Like you said, she just got us home. This is what she wanted. What she lived for these past seven years."

"Have you even spoken to her today Chakotay?"

"Of course…."

"No I mean really spoken to her. Alone. And about more than whether a couple of gel packs need replacing."

"Mike, I'm not sure…"

"You've been preoccupied Chakotay. Not that I can blame you, there's not a man on this ship that will blame you for that." Chakotay looked at his old friend in shock, he wasn't aware his relationship with Seven was common knowledge and he wasn't too sure how he felt about people knowing.

"Look, I don't know what you've heard but…"

"It's a small ship Chakotay. You cant keep secrets for long. And certainly not from the security team who have to look over inappropriate site to sites into the first officer's quarters."

Chakotay was dumbfounded. If that's the case then Tuvok would know. And if Tuvok knew then….

"Who else knows?"

"Chakotay you walked into the celebration with her on your arm and you left with her this evening. You should be asking who doesn't know."

Chakotay scrubbed his face in irritation. The feel good factor certainly never lasts longs on Voyager, he thought bitterly.

"My point was Chakotay is that you've missed the signs."

Chakotay still fuming about his not-so-secret fledgling relationship, looked at Ayala in confusion.

"For seven years she had one goal. Get this ship and her crew home. It was her obsession, and we needed it to be her obsession. She dedicated her entire life to it and without her determination and sacrifice we would have probably all been killed or given up and settled on a nice M class planet in the DQ. Tomorrow we all walk off that ship never to return. What has the Captain got left? There's her family, sure. But what happens when her sister returns to her husband and family. When her mother returns to work. The captain returns to the Alpha Quadrant, her fiancé married with a child, Starfleet decimated, the Federation in crisis, her crew dispersed and her ship out of commission."

Chakotay paled, Ayala was hitting just a little too close to home and wondered when he had become such an expert on Kathryn Janeway. Still, he felt he should try to calm Mike down.

"She's going to be a hero, Mike. Starfleet will probably make her an Admiral, she'll have new responsibilities and she'll thrive on them. Spirits, she'll probably rebuild the Federation and Starfleet with her own two hands. And she will have the support of her family and all of us. Just because we got home doesn't mean we all go our separate ways."

"I'm not talking about the Captain, Chakotay."

Now Chakotay was really confused, "Mike I think we've crossed wires somewhere."

"I'm talking about Kathryn, Chakotay. What happens to Kathryn when Tom and B'Elanna take Miral to live with the Paris', when Harry returns to his parents house, the Doctor to Jupiter Station to see Dr Zimmerman, Tuvok to Vulcan. And her first officer to wherever her borg protégé ends up?"

"While you are all off playing happy families, Starfleet is going to be taking its pound of flesh from a woman still scarred by her decision to strand two crews out in the delta quadrant. A woman still looking for redemption and a Starfleet desperate for a hero. She'll make a fine Admiral, Chakotay and we'll all be very proud. But who will be there to pick Kathryn off the floor when she finally breaks?"

Ayala shook his head, "What's the use. I think you stopped _seeing _Kathryn a long time ago. You all did. She's been nothing but the Captain to you for so long, you've forgotten that she's also a woman of flesh and blood. A woman that's brilliant but flawed, strong yet vulnerable, beautiful but mired by guilt. You are no better than the fleet parasites that are going to suck her dry the minute we step off this ship."

"You're out of line Lieutenant."

"Am I?"

"Yes."

Ayala drew back a disbelieving smirk on his face, "Permission to be dismissed Commander?"

Chakotay nodded and stared at Ayala's retreating back, his words ringing in his ears. He turned towards his quarters hesitating at the Captain's door. He could check on her now, he hadn't really had the chance to speak to her all day. They could open that last bottle of Antarian cider…He shook himself, she was probably in bed asleep now, it had been such a long day and he would get the chance to speak to her the following day. There was plenty of time and he was sure that Ayala was being melodramatic .

Chakotay let himself into his quarters and stripped quickly before settling under the covers. It had been a long few days and he was exhausted but sleep would not come easy. Ayala's words kept ringing in his head.

"You are no better than the fleet parasites that are going to suck her dry…she's been nothing but the Captain to you for so long, you've forgotten that she's also a woman."

Had he stopped seeing Kathryn? It was true that their friendship, although strong, had lost some of its intimacy over the past few months.

After the fiasco with the Equinox they had rebuilt trust quickly enough but had left their personal relationship to suffer in the storm. He had thought that they had begun to get back on track after Quarra, they had begun their weekly dinners again and spent time on the holodeck but….Chakotay was filled with shame. Since he had started dating Seven he hadn't spent a minute with Kathryn off-duty. He had lost count of the number of 'rain checks' he had asked for when she invited him to dinner.

He made a promise that would change. He may be in a romantic relationship with another woman but that was no excuse to abandon his best friend. Seven wouldn't want him to. Ayala's predictions would not be allowed to come true and he would make sure the rest of the senior officers were with him.

_=/\=_


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: sorry for the confusion over the chapter updates, I had uploaded the new chapter without expressing my thanks for all your kind reviews. They mean an awful lot to me and I am very appreciative that you took the time. I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

=/\=

Kathryn clung to her mother in a way she hadn't since she was a child. She could feel the sobs wrack though Gretchen's body and was vaguely aware of Phoebe's arms around the both of them.

Only moments before Kathryn had led her crew through the winding corridors of Planetia Utopia to the station's large mess hall where Voyager's next of kin waited.

She had felt some apprehension on behalf of her crew. Different fortunes awaited them behind the doors of the mess hall. She knew Harry's family would be ecstatic over the return of their beloved son but B'Elanna and Tom had no idea as to how their family would react to their unforeseen return.

Kathryn hoped that B'Elanna's father would embrace his child with love and not the coldness of a casual acquaintance. She felt sure he would, Tom had mentioned that John Torres had made contact as often as possible over the past few months, looking for redemption.

She knew that Owen Paris felt his own apprehension at coming face to face with his son for the first time since his court martial all those years ago and prayed the Admiral's gruff exterior would not lead to an uncomfortable reunion. She knew he was proud of the man his son had become but there were long buried issues that would no doubt resurface with Tom's return.

As for the other members of her senior staff, Seven had displayed an uncharacteristic lack of self assurance about meeting her only living relative. But she was sure that through her family, Seven would find the last missing piece of her humanity. She had, after all, recently found romantic love with Commander Chakotay and Kathryn was pleased that Seven had his counsel during what was likely to be a turbulent time of adjustment for the former borg drone.

The Doctor's situation had thankfully been resolved before their return through the borg hub. Finally recognised as an individual in his own right, Reginald Barclay and Dr Zimmerman had both offered to help the Doctor settle in the Alpha Quadrant and only that morning Kathryn had received a request from Starfleet Medical for the Doctor to be re-assigned after the de-briefing to their top research lab.

As for Chakotay, Starfleet had made it clear that they had no intention of pursuing any charges against the former members of the Maquis and following the debrief there would be offers of commissions to all of Voyager's crew. Although she wouldn't quite trust it until the orders were formally signed. She knew Chakotay had a bright future ahead of him. Where he would choose to spend that future she knew he had not yet decided. He had been unusually quiet since Starfleet's announcement that morning and while he had assured her he intended to remain in Starfleet, she could tell that the return to the Alpha Quadrant had unbalanced him somewhat.

She felt guilty for not spending more time with him over the past few days. Their relationship had gone through a number of difficulties over the past few months and she did not feel as comfortable as she once did discussing any personal issues.

As for Kathryn herself, she knew she didn't have to worry about her future. She knew standing before those doors moments earlier that her mother and sister awaited her, ready with open arms and tears. She knew that she had two weeks of leave to celebrate the holidays and reacquaint herself with Earth before three months of debriefings. She would catch up with Mark and his new family, finding closure to that part of her life. Starfleet would make her relive every moment of the past seven years and either court martial her for her blatant disregard of the Prime Directive and Temporal Prime Directive or do something even more horrendous and make her an Admiral .

As she had stood before the mess hall doors, the thoughts had swirled around her and she felt the air begin to close in on her again, much like it had on the bridge only a few days ago. She'd tugged at her collar, her face flushing with sudden heat. She tried to catch her breath and closed her eyes, searching for calm.

When she opened her eyes she had found the soft gaze of her first officer, who she could tell had caught her 'moment'. He had placed his hand on her shoulder, much like he had when they came across the '37s and faced losing their crew. "We'll make it," he had reassured then and she could tell that he was trying to communicate the same reassurance in that moment. She had tentatively smiled back before she forced the Captain's Mask back on her face, ignoring the fact that her crew probably thought their beloved Captain was having a nervous breakdown.

She walked through the mess hall doors, wondering how she would walk into a room again without her First Officer and crew behind her.

Now safely ensconced in her mother's arms she had been pleased to see Owen grab his son in a hug at once. She watched with tears forming as John Torres had hesitantly placed a hand on his daughter's shoulder, his pride etched on his face.

Seven's aunt was doing most of the talking but the former drone seemed relaxed in her presence. Harry had been smothered by his family and the Doctor was being dragged by Naomi to meet her Ktarian father who was chatting with Icheb.

She looked across at Chakotay and he smiled back before returning to talk to Seven's aunt. Sekaya at his side hugging his arm as if afraid that if she let go he would disappear.

It seemed that her fears had all been for nothing, her little family would do just fine outside of the confinement of Voyager. She need not be concerned, the Captain could be relieved. The burden or responsibility no longer hers.

She found it difficult to breathe.

=/\=

Chakotay tried valiantly to listen to Seven's aunt as she described, in vivid detail, Seven's earliest years but his attention kept getting diverted to his Captain who looked like she was having every last breath squeezed out of her by her mother and sister.

He had felt unsettled since Ayala's outburst the night before and found himself watching his erstwhile captain in a way he hadn't for many years. He was shocked by what he had found, particularly by just a few moments earlier when he could have sworn his brave, strong Captain looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

He had been touched by the level of emotion he had seen on Kathryn's face when she had walked into the arms of her family. Gone was the command mask she was famed for, she had looked like a vulnerable little girl, her face crumpled with emotion before she buried herself in her mother's arms. The rest of the crew had been preoccupied by their own reunions to notice, but Chakotay had caught every second before he felt the soft touch of his sister, her eyes knowing. He too had then crumpled with emotion as he grasped his sister in a bear hug, the tears burning.

"….I think my brother is a bit overwhelmed Ms Hansen." His attention was brought back to his sister who was looking at him with amusement. Seven's Aunt had obviously been speaking to him, he smiled an apology to her and Seven and attempted to rejoin the conversation.

"Mr Chakotay?" he turned to be faced with familiar blue eyes and a crooked grin that reminded him so much of his best friend it almost took his breath away.

"Just Chakotay, please Mrs Janeway."

"Then you must call me Gretchen." Chakotay smiled at the order, she was so like his formidable Captain that he struggled to keep the grin off his face. He nodded his agreement and smiled over her shoulder to the curious face of his Captain who was making her way over, her sister Phoebe still stuck to her side.

"I just wanted to come over and give you my personal thanks for bringing my daughter home." Chakotay blushed and he sensed rather than saw Sekaya's tears of pride.

"I appreciate that Mrs..Gretchen, but it was the Captain that brought us home."

"Oh I don't know Chakotay, why don't we call it a team effort," the husky voice interrupted.

"Aye aye Captain." Chakotay smirked.

"Sekaya, it is wonderful to see you again. I trust the journey from Trebus was OK," Gretchen said.

"It was perfect Gretchen. Thank you for all your help in organising it."

Chakotay and Kathryn raised their eyebrows to each other. Neither aware of the friendship between their two families. Gretchen caught the look and rolled her eyes.

"It's been seven years since you disappeared. The ones that were left behind have formed very close friendships and I must say that us Janeways have become particularly fond of your sister Chakotay. She's part of the family."

"And I feel the same way Gretchen. Gretchen and Phoebe have been a great comfort to me these past years. Our New Year dinner will be a little different this year I suspect?"

"You bet!" Phoebe declared, "I think a party is order rather than dinner and cocktails instead of coffee!"

"Sounds like a good plan to me. Brother?"

Chakotay stumbled a response, shocked at the easy relationship between his sister and the two Janeways.

"Sounds great." He caught the Captain looking awkwardly at Seven and knitted his brow in confusion. Gretchen, however seemed to anticipate what had her daughter so on edge.

"We should invite all your senior staff, Kathryn. It would be nice to meet all the crew you were most closest to."

Kathryn smiled, "Absolutely right as ever mother, what do you say Seven? Are you ready for a trip to Indiana?"

"I would be honoured Captain, I must confess Mrs Janeway that I feel I know Indiana already. The Captain calls it the centre of the universe."

"And that it is my dear, and please call me Gretchen. Formality bores me rigid." She winked at Seven to chuckles from her daughters.

"Mom, I'm going to make the rounds. I think I should meet some of the families while I have the chance. Commander, I hate to drag you away but.."

"Of course Captain, I'll join you."

"OK off you go you two, but be warned Kathryn I am dragging you out of here in one hour and that's final."

Chakotay, expecting his Captain to argue was shocked when she merely rolled her eyes and muttered a "Yes mother."

As they walked away from their families Chakotay couldn't help but chuckle, "What?" Kathryn asked.

"Watching you take orders. Its going to take a bit of getting used to."

=/\=

"Kathryn, you look exquisite. Can we go now."

Kathryn laughed at her younger sister's impatience.

"Some things never change Pheebs, I half expect you to start stamping your foot."

"Don't tempt me. MOM! Kathryn's being difficult!"

Kathryn flicked her wrap at her younger sister in mock annoyance and then sat with a sigh next to where Phoebe was reclining on the bed, fully dressed for the formal Homecoming Ball.

"Are you sure I just cant wear my dress uniform?"

"Have you _seen_ the new uniform? You'll look like a waiter and believe me you want to shine this evening. It's your big night."

"I just feel so….exposed in this dress."

"Give me strength. You are meant to be exposed, you are meant to show a little skin and it hugs your wonderful curves beautifully. And showing a little décolletage will not hurt either." she winked.

"I don't look like a tramp?"

"God Kathryn, what did the Delta Quadrant do to you? Turn you into a nun? You are a beautiful, successful, brave, opinionated woman. And you've been without a man for so long you've got cobwebs growing between your breasts and god knows where else…"

"PHEEBS!"

"It's true. You need to walk into that room as the beautiful Captain Kathryn Janeway that you are. A Captain yes. A woman - most definitely. Do you know how many hunky Starfleet officers there are going to be in attendance?"

"I'm not exactly looking for a date at the moment."

"Why not? It would do you good, you've no doubt been walking round with a stick far up your backside these past seven years. What you need my dear sister, is to get laid."

Kathryn barked with laughter at her sister's audacity and shook her head. She turned to see her sister's mischievous grin and it felt so familiar it was nearly as if she had never been away.

"God I've missed you."

Phoebe's eyes' shone as she got up to wrap her arms around her.

"As much as you've missed sex?" Phoebe sniffed.

"More. Definitely more." Patting her sister on the back she pulled away to look again in the mirror. She was no Seven of Nine but considering she was 45 and had just spent the past seven years in an unknown part of the galaxy with unfriendly locals, she didn't look bad. Phoebe had done a wonderful job with her make-up. Light but perfectly accentuating her features. Kathryn was grateful that her hair was long enough to pin up, with soft tendrils framing her face. It made her feel more feminine than her normal bob.

She wasn't sure why she felt the need to impress tonight, but she did. The spotlight would no doubt be on her. That was not vanity, just a calm acceptance that the media, the public and Starfleet were intrigued by the leader of famed Voyager crew. She wasn't the only one. Chakotay as the former terrorist turned Starfleet golden boy had attracted his own fair share of attention, as had Seven, the beautiful former borg drone. Thankfully none of them had yet picked up on the burgeoning relationship between the two for which Kathryn was pleased. It was going to be hard enough for the couple to develop their relationship without the pressure of public opinion adding to it.

Not that the media had much chance to invade everyone's privacy. Safe and secure in Indiana, Kathryn was pleased that Chakotay had too managed to escape the glare of publicity in Ohio with Sekaya and his cousin.

Seven, surprisingly, had hit it off with her Aunt to such a degree that instead of following Kathryn to Indiana as planned, she and Icheb had headed straight to Sweden to spend time with the Hansen family. They had adopted Icheb as their own and Seven appeared to be relishing the time with her parents' blood relatives.

Tom and B'Elanna along with baby Miral were safe at the Paris homestead just outside of San Francisco, Harry with his parents and the Doctor had been on Jupiter Station with Dr Zimmerman. With her crew safe, Kathryn had been able to decompress with her family in Indiana, although she had still been plagued with panic attacks. Thankfully she had managed to keep most of them under wraps although Gretchen's knowing eyes had probably missed nothing.

Phoebe's tapping fingers on the sideboard brought Kathryn out of her reverie.

Kathryn threw her hands up in the air, "Fine! I'm ready. But as long as you promise to save me from Admiral Blow-hard if I start to look cornered."

"Old Bill never changes does he? I promise, I wont leave your side unless a hunky Starfleet officer asks me to."

Twenty minutes later the Janeway contingent had remarkably managed to navigate their way around Starfleet Command without being harassed too much. Kathryn entered the lobby of the ballroom surprised to find only Mike Ayala standing to attention.

"At ease Lieutenant. Where's the rest of my senior staff?"

Ayala looked slightly ill at ease as he replied, "Admiral Hayes suggested that all the senior staff should go on ahead and that the 'grand entrance' to use his phrase should be left to the Captain."

Kathryn glowered and saw Ayala take a step backwards, "And my loyal staff just accepted this?"

"No, ma'am," said Ayala - he must be pretty sure that this counted as a 'crunch time'. "They all put up a pretty good fight but the Admiral made the suggestion an order so…."

"Now it's not this poor boy's fault Kathryn, let Bill Hayes have his grand entrance and I promise to give him hell over dinner. I'll make sure he gets seated between Dorasco and Nechayev," said Gretchen soothingly.

Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming. However, her mother had come up with an appropriate punishment for Admiral Blowhard so Kathryn wearily nodded her head. "OK I'll go along with his rotten plan, but I do so under duress. Make sure he knows that Mom."

"I will dear. Now Lieutenant, how come you are still here? Surely you are not on duty tonight?"

"No ma'am, I convinced the Admiral that the Captain should have some security with her and I offered to make sure she was safely escorted."

"Lieutenant you have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Ill be forever in your debt," smiled Kathryn.

"We'll see you in a moment Katie," said Phoebe as she clasped her sister in a quick hug. "Looks like you already have your hunky Starfleet officer," she whispered.

Kathryn rolled her eyes at her sisters retreating back and turned to see Ayala hold out his arm to her.

"Ready Captain?"

"Ready Lieutenant."

=/\=

"Tom don't over-react."

"I'm telling you this is mutiny. She is not going to be happy."

As B'Elanna rolled her eyes, Chakotay couldn't help but agree with Tom's sentiment. Kathryn was not going to be happy and as the loyal first officer he was sure to be the first in her line of fire. Front and centre.

Kathryn had been at pains to ensure that no one on her crew was treated any differently. He knew that some of the crew would attribute this to the Captain being modest but he knew better. The decision to pardon the Maquis had not been signed, sealed and delivered yet - although promised. Kathryn didn't want anything to separate the crew from each other or make the so-called Starfleet contingent of her crew anymore important than the 'Maquis' contingent. She had been clear, or he was sure she thought she had been clear, to Admiral Hayes' aide that the senior staff were to walk into the ballroom together and that she and her first officer would be side-by-side.

He should have tried harder to dissuade Admiral Blowhard or he should have been quicker on his feet to offer to be the Captain's security escort but Ayala had beaten him to it. He pinched the bridge of his nose, he could feel a headache coming on.

He opened his eyes and looked over at B'Elanna who was looking at him with something that looked suspiciously like amusement.

"What?" he demanded, somewhat impatiently. But before she could answer her attention was diverted to the top of the stairs and she nudged him.

"Look."

He looked up to see Kathryn carefully descend the stairs on the arm of Mike Ayala. She had obviously decided to forgo formality on this occasion and was clearly not wearing her dress uniform.

"My god, she looks beautiful." Chakotay looked over to an awestruck Harry Kim and was amused to see a similar expression on the faces of the rest of the senior staff. He allowed himself a small smile and turned back to the lady in question. Harry was right, she did look beautiful, although she was certainly strained. She had a vice like grip on Ayala's arm and her smile was forced. There was also something in her eyes, something he had seen only a few days ago on Utopia Planetia and had glanced on the bridge days before that.

Others had begun to notice her arrival and soon the thunder of applause was all that could be heard.

She was suddenly looking straight at him - glare force one. He held her gaze for a moment, looked at her up and down and grinned wolfishly. She rolled her eyes and tried to hide a chuckle but failed to hide the blush that stained her cheek.

She was swallowed by the crowd of admirals at the foot of the stairs and Chakotay turned back to see B'Elanna smiling at him again. Smug.

"What?"

"Nothing."

=/\=

Hell. She was in hell. Purgatory. You name it she was in it.

Admiral Buloto although charming in the way that only a Bolian can ever be, lost her completely when he decided to recount every single time he had ever met her father.

Kathryn had tried on many occasions to catch the eye of her senior staff but the traitors had all disappeared onto the dance floor. Her mother, who had sworn to protect her, had also disappeared. It wasn't too much to ask was it, to just spend some time in the company of her crew, her family and her friends and celebrate their achievements? She could feel a wave of nausea about to descend and tried valiantly to hold it together. Buloto, thankfully, was oblivious and just as Kathryn feared she was going to have to high-tail it out of there and run, she felt a hand at her arm.

"Admiral, I fear my daughter has been monopolising your time."

"Not at all Gretchen, she's a fascinating young woman."

"True, but may I tear you away for a moment - I had hoped to see the holo images of your new grandchild."

Kathryn could have kissed her mother and deftly retreated from the enthusiastic Bolian and headed for the double doors that led out onto the balcony. Thankfully, the balcony was deserted and Kathryn was able to suck in lungful of the midnight San Francisco air as she leaned forward on the rail.

This was getting ridiculous, and as much as she hated to admit it, she feared she was going to have to approach the Doctor for his advice.

"So you got Buloto'd then?"

Kathryn turned at the sound of her first officer's voice and, swallowing her panic, smiled ruefully at him.

"I notice my loyal first officer was _again_ nowhere to be seen. Where was my rescue?"

"I was planning an attack Captain but I was outmanoeuvred - for the second time this evening."

"Ah so you admit your failures. That's a promising sign Commander."

Chakotay sighed as he came to rest his forearms on the railing next to Kathryn who turned to mirror his pose.

"I'm full of failure tonight," he sighed and Kathryn was taken aback at the abrupt change of tone. Gone was the playful banter and instead as she looked at her old friend all she saw was weary resignation.

"Chakotay?" she asked, concern in her voice. Chakotay waved it away and tried to change the subject.

"Great speech by the way. You had the entire crew sobbing, laughing, cheering, hugging. If Tuvok had been here I'm sure I would have been passing him a tissue."

Kathryn laughed gently, "I was getting a bit fed up of all the formality although I did want to make a few points to the admiralty. If they think for one moment I'm going to abandon our crew to pointless months of debriefings they have another think coming."

"Hear, hear."

"I'm glad you approve."

"Talking of our crew…have you heard from T'Pel?"

"Hmm earlier today. Tuvok is doing well and they are sure he will make a full recovery."

"Glad to hear it."

They settled in to an easy silence as they gazed across the city lights, much like they had done many times before, only instead of the glow of a bustling city it had been the unfamiliar constellations of the Delta Quadrant. As comfortable as the silence was, Kathryn was intrigued by Chakotay's resigned body language.

"So why are you full of failure?" she prompted, even more intrigued as a look of helplessness overtook Chakotay.

"Please don't make me re-hash it."

"I wont make you do anything Chakotay, but you can tell anything to a friend." Chakotay whipped his head up in surprise.

"Its not that I don't want to…but it's…."

"Embarrassing? Mortifying? Depressing? Sad? Life ending? All of the above?"

Chakotay smirked at that and Kathryn was pleased that she still managed to humour him on occasion.

"Not all of the above." He paused, looking uncharacteristically unsure of himself and then looked away. Not meeting her eyes. "I got dumped."

"Oh." She had no idea how to respond to that.

"By a woman half my age."

"I see."

"And a woman I had wanted to blow out of an airlock only a few years ago."

"Your…feelings had obviously softened." Kathryn wasn't sure if she wanted to hear all this. Friends was one thing but listening to Chakotay detail his relationship with a woman she considered family might be testing the boundaries somewhat.

Chakotay however was oblivious to Kathryn's awkwardness, "I was…intrigued really. She had been trying so hard to fit in with the crew and when she asked me on a date, I was flattered."

"Its nice to be wanted."

"Exactly. And then on the dates she was so un-seven like, so unsure and innocent if you could believe that. We had a nice time, I liked spending time with her. I felt…..protective of her."

"Which I am sure is probably one of the main reasons she was attracted to you."

Chakotay laughed at that, "Not my gorgeous looks."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I didn't mean that…I just meant that for a lot of men dating Seven would mean one thing and you wouldn't do that to her. She could trust you."

Chakotay nodded, "You're right in a way, she just told me the reason why she chose me as her first dating experiment."

"Please tell me she didn't call you an experiment?"

"Not in those exact words and very kindly of course. But she said part of the reason she approached me was because you had once told her that there was no one on the ship that you trusted more than me."

Kathryn didn't know what to say to that, she was dumbfounded. To think she had been the catalyst for his relationship with Seven.

"Did you say that?"

"Say what?"

"That there was no one on the ship that you trusted more than me?"

"You know I did, I've said it to your face on more than one occasion."

Chakotay nodded, thoughtfully.

"Do you still?"

"Do I still what?"

Chakotay smirked at her, she was being deliberately obtuse and she knew it but the conversation was heading in a direction she didn't think she had the strength for right now.

"Trust me more than anyone else."

She looked at him, her best friend. The one who pulled her back from the brink on more than one occasion, the one who made her laugh, who she could truly be Kathryn with instead of just the Captain.

She moved over to him and lay her hand on his chest, "Yes."

He smiled warmly back at her and Kathryn felt some of the anxiety melt away. Chakotay had felt so distant over the past few months and she felt some of that distance recede. He took her hand from his chest and held it in his and Kathryn, for the millionth time since bursting through that hub, felt the onslaught of tears. Chakotay, typically, didn't miss any of it but before he could move to comfort her, she stiffened and turned away.

"Kathryn.." she heard him whisper. A question, and a question she couldn't answer. She had no idea why she was so on edge, why she was so emotional.

She turned back to him, his concern written across his face and it was almost more than she could bear.

Their gazes locked.

"Captain?"

Kathryn turned to see B'Elanna in the doorway to the balcony, her eyes darting between the two command officers. Kathryn didn't know whether to be relieved or exasperated.

"Yes Lieutenant?" Kathryn replied more brusquely than B'Elanna deserved.

"Your mother was looking for you, something about Cinderella and turning into a pumpkin?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes and turned back to Chakotay who was still eyeing her warily.

"Another time?"

He nodded, "Tomorrow." It wasn't a question and Kathryn reluctantly acquiesced. She sighed.

"Tomorrow."

=/\=

Chakotay felt exhausted as he let himself into his Starfleet issued quarters. It had been a somewhat stressful evening on many levels. The emotional meeting on the balcony with Kathryn had left him more than a little unsettled.

He was still worried about her. She had not looked right all evening and for Kathryn to nearly lose control in public like that meant there must be something seriously wrong. Janeways don't cry, she had told him once. He knew she was only half joking. The daughter of an Admiral, she had obviously learnt a lot about suppressing emotions from a master.

The discussion with Seven had also left him reeling but he had, upon reflection, accepted that it was the right thing to end their relationship. If you could call it that.

Telling Kathryn was easier than he had expected although he suspected that somehow she already knew about his relationship with Seven. Another topic to add to the list for discussion tomorrow.

He dropped his jacket on the back of the chair and was surprised to see his comm screen blinking. It was Kathryn.

"Comm me when you get this message. Just had an interesting chat with Admiral Paris."

Chakotay scrubbed his face. She didn't look happy.

He asked the computer to be put through to her. She answered immediately, still dressed in her finery.

"I have good news. And bad news."

"Bad news first, please."

"We've got a few weeks of de-briefings ahead of us." Chakotay groaned, this was just what they feared. Starfleet going over every decision with a fine toothcomb. He had hoped that given that they had access to their logs for a few years now that there would be no need for such a formal process.

"What's the good news?"

"That only the senior staff will be required for them, the rest of the crew are on leave for three months."

Chakotay was surprised at that. A formal debriefing required the entire crew. He opened his mouth to ask why but was beaten to it.

"I don't know, Chakotay. Owen says that they are not questioning any decisions made but they want to get a good idea of what it was like out there for us. Find out about things we had to do differently because of our situation. He says they want to learn from us."

Chakotay could tell that she was suspicious, although he was sure that Owen Paris would never lie to her. He watched as she ran a hand through her hair which had loosened from its grips. She looked as tired and stressed as he had ever seen her.

"Kathryn? Are you ok?"

She whipped her head to the screen, "I'm fine."

Chakotay sighed, "Kathryn. This isn't the Delta Quadrant, we are not on Voyager. Its 2am in the morning and you are obviously not ok."

She paused and for a moment looked so lost and vulnerable it was all he could do to stop himself from transporting over to Indiana.

"I don't know Chakotay. I just feel, so…..I know that Owen would never lie to me but I cant quite believe that its all going to be so easy. And I'm not looking forward to going over some of our missions that I would really rather have left the memory of in the delta quadrant."

Chakotay shrugged, "I get the feeling that the Dominion War has about taken its toll on the Federation. And I strongly suspect that Voyager coming home is the good news they need right now. They haven't got the time or the energy to start second guessing your actions."

Kathryn nodded wearily, "Perhaps you are right," she smirked, "It's hard to stop being at yellow alert isn't it?"

Chakotay laughed in response and a comfortable pause settled between them, as if it was just another evening in Kathryn's quarters, after reports and Antarian Cider.

"When do we have to report to the Admiralty?"

"Monday at 11am. I haven't broken the news to the rest of the senior staff yet, Ill do that tomorrow."

"Do you want to meet up this weekend before we begin?"

"Get our stories straight?"

"Not quite, but it may be helpful to go over a few old logs."

"Sounds good, why don't you come over to Indiana for the weekend. Mother's been baking brownies."

"How can I resist?"

=/\=

In the end, going through old logs had turned into reminiscing sessions and the sharing of old stories. Kathryn, curled up on one side of the couch with Chakotay reclined at the other, felt her mother's amused eyes on the pair of them. She found it hard to care, she was the most relaxed she had felt for a long time and it wasn't just down to the alcohol she had imbibed.

"The poor doctor," she began as Chakotay begun filling up her glass for the umpteenth time that evening, "How many times did he have his sub-routines messed with?"

"Ah yes but I believe the incident in question was at his own doing wasn't it?"

"A Jekyll and Hyde moment if ever I saw one."

"Sounds dreadful, poor B'Elanna," Gretchen commented.

"Thank the spirits for Kes." Chakotay mused and Kathryn turned thoughtful.

"I wonder where she is now." Chakotay obviously had no answer and the three sat quietly before Gretchen decided to turn in.

"Don't stay up late now children, no don't get up Chakotay you look far too comfortable. Ill see you both in the morning." With a kiss to her daughter's cheek and to Chakotay's, Gretchen made her way up the stairs to bed.

Kathryn laughed as she saw Chakotay's reddened cheeks, "I think my mother likes you."

Chakotay grinned back, "I like her too. I am more than willing to let her adopt me and feed me brownies for the rest of my life."

Kathryn giggled and shoved him playfully with her foot, which he caught with one hand before gently massaging it. Kathryn rested her head back and sighed.

"You really are too good at that."

"Its been a while. I'm a bit out of practice."

"Well feel free to practice away. After hiking through the best Indiana has to offer these past two days, my feet are about ready to drop off."

"Its been a great weekend Kathryn, thank you."

"Thank you too. Its been nice to just…decompress."

"I agree. We should do this more often."

"Deal."

Kathryn looked across at her first officer, or was that former first office now? He had reclined his head back on the couch, eyes closed while he expertly manipulated the sore muscles in her foot. She wasn't sure she should tell him just how grateful she was for his presence this weekend. After the ball she felt like she was going to explode but the last few days had enabled her to really appreciate being home, spending time with her family, getting to know her young nephews. Chakotay had been the perfect house guest, charming her mother and sister, becoming buddies with Peter, Phoebe's husband and acting as the twin boys personal climbing frame.

He also hadn't pushed her about her lack of control on the balcony the other night. Perhaps sensing that she needed to relax and not face her demons just yet. She was grateful for that and entirely thankful for this man and his friendship. She had missed it, although she understood why the distance between them had occurred she was pleased that they had been able to restore the easy camaraderie they had.

She knew at some point they were going to have to face the issues that had caused a wedge between them but with the wine nicely buzzing through her veins, her best friend massaging away life's strains and the beauty of finally being home washing over her, she was quite happy to just sit and enjoy.

=/\=

It was a strange feeling to be walking round Starfleet HQ again. Seven years ago he might have recognised the possibility of being in a Federation court or a Federation prison - but certainly not strolling freely through Headquarters wearing a newly minted Starfleet uniform with his Maquis rank bar glinting in the San Francisco sunlight.

He chuckled to himself, earning him strange looks from the personnel around him.

He never thought he would feel so relaxed either. He knew Kathryn was still concerned at the prospect of these debriefings, but he had felt nothing but warmth and a genuine felling of goodwill from the Federation officials and the Starfleet admiralty. It was easy to see the wounds of the Dominion War and from the rumours he had picked up it seems that the Federation had gone through a re-examination of itself and its moral code. 'We looked in the mirror', Captain Picard had told him at the Homecoming Ball, 'And we didn't like what we saw.'

He took a breath and looked around the grounds, when he was a child it was all he ever dreamed of. To be a part of Starfleet, to reach for the stars, to explore. Yet when he joined the Maquis he threw all that to one side, he rediscovered his heritage, his roots, found an affinity with the earth again, which he would die to protect.

He never thought that he could reconcile those two aspects of his character, the son of mother earth, the son of father sky. Yet during his time in the Delta Quadrant he had found peace with his heritage, the mark of his ancestors became, not a sign of his grief, but pride in his birthright. At the same time he had boldly gone where no one had gone before. He had thrived on the challenges of the Delta Quadrant, the first contacts and the discovery.

What was next for Chakotay, Son of Kolopak? Would the stars draw him again or would he remain with the earth?

He didn't know.

But he was sure the Spirits would guide him.

"Chakotay!"

He turned at the sound of his name and smiled.

"For a man about to be grilled by the Starfleet Admiralty you are looking positively chipper," Kathryn said as she sauntered up to him.

He looked down at his friend and Captain (or was that former Captain), despite the levity in her voice, the strain around her eyes - that had disappeared over the weekend - had reappeared. Her jaw was set tight.

He looked around. Now wasn't the time to call her on it.

"It's a beautiful day. We're home. I've not been arrested yet…"

"There's still time," she deadpanned.

"And my old boss is going to take me to dinner."

"Is she now?"

"Yes."

"And why, may I ask, would she do such a thing?"

"Because she always takes me for dinner on a Monday."

"Not if you keep calling her 'old' she wont."

"Forgive me, I meant old in the past sense, not as a sign of age."

"Technically, we've not been relieved of duty. I'm still your Commanding Officer."

"Technically, I'm not a Commander in Starfleet."

Before they knew it, they had come to the door of the briefing room. Kathryn took a breath beside him.

"You know I hope you decide to rejoin Starfleet Commander."

"Any particular reason Captain?"

She smirked at him, the humour replacing all signs of the previous tension, as he had hoped it would.

"I have a feeling that Chakotay the civilian may be a lot more dangerous than Chakotay the Commander and Chakotay the Maquis put together."

Chakotay grinned at her and she nodded towards the briefing doors.

"Are you with me Chakotay?"

"Always."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's notes: Again thank you for your kind comments. Hope you enjoy this one.

=/\=

"Thank you all for joining us today. I hope you've managed to begin to re-acclimatise to the Alpha Quadrant. The purpose of these sessions is for us, the Admiralty, to truly begin to understand and learn from your experiences in the Delta Quadrant. Your logs have been most helpful and we are indebted to those of you who agreed to also share your personal logs with us.

"As you all know, the Federation is deeply scarred by the events of the Dominion War. We've lost more civilians and Starfleet officers during this war than at any other time in the Federation's history. It has also been felt by many that the Federation itself has lost its way, has compromised itself for selfish gain. The experience of the B'aku and the S'onar just one example of many that shamefully exposed the depths to which the Federation had sunk under the guise of self preservation.

"This cannot be allowed to continue. We all have a responsibility and a commitment to the true ideals of the Federation and of Starfleet, and I am sure that, within time, we will turn back from the darkness that has engulfed us.

"The Federation is still very young. We have a lot to learn. Which is why we have asked you to share your experiences with us. 75,000 light years away you managed to harmonise a crew of Starfleet and Maquis, with only each other for support and guidance. You were forced to make your own alliances, your own mission directives, yet you did this while still holding on to the ideals that lay at the foundation of the Federation and of Starfleet.

"I want to make clear that we are not here to form a judgement on the mission or on the command decisions of Captain Janeway and the Voyager crew. While there may have been decisions and actions that do not adhere to Starfleet protocol, we are in no position at present to stand in judgement."

"The Admiralty appreciate that this process may be difficult, we know that during your seven years in the Delta Quadrant there have been many personal sacrifices, many difficult decisions, many losses and many horrific experiences. This is why we are not going to rush the process. Voyager's crew need to time to adjust to life in the Alpha Quadrant and the speed of these discussions will wholly depend on them. We do have one request and that is for each of the Senior Staff to meet with an assigned a counsellor who will be available after every session.

"So, with that agreed perhaps we could make a start. Captain Janeway, could you take us through Voyager's mission to the Badlands and your encounter with the entity known as 'the caretaker'?"

"Thank you Admiral. Voyager was assigned to the Badlands in order to recover its Security Officer, Lieutenant Tuvok, who had been undercover with a group of Maquis on the ship known as 'Liberty'…"

=/\=

Kathryn had never felt so uncomfortable. Talking about her feelings had never been her strong point, but seeing as the Admiralty were going out of their way to make things as easy as possible for the Voyager crew it seemed churlish to refuse their 'suggestion' of meeting with a counsellor. She certainly wasn't sure how much good it would do her, perhaps she could request speaking with the Doctor instead. _God_, _things must be bad if I'm willingly considering talking to him about my deep, darkest fears._

"I promise you I don't bite." Kathryn was stunned by the voice and turned around to see Deanna Troi from the Enterprise enter the room.

_Great a Betazoid. Just what I need._

Deanna chuckled lightly.

"I don't think I have ever felt someone so disappointed to see me."

Kathryn flushed, annoyed with herself for being so transparent and annoyed with Starfleet for making her go through this.

"I apologise Counsellor. It's nothing personal."

"And I apologise too Captain, usually I am careful to resist my empathic tendencies during a first counselling session but I'm afraid I felt your tension from the other side of Starfleet command."

Kathryn blinked. _Am I that transparent? _"It appears Counsellor that my Captain's mask has deserted me. I think it may be somewhere in Delta Quadrant."

"Excellent, that makes my job a lot easier."

"Easier?"

"You know it took me years to get Captain Picard to get rid of his. The fact it has taken me mere seconds with you must show how good I am at my job." Troi winked.

Kathryn laughed and relaxed back on the sofa. She had heard enough about Counsellor Troi to know that she could trust her implicitly. At the same time, knowing of her empathic abilities, it made her feel exposed in the worst possible way. _Then again, _she mused, _it wouldn't take a Betazoid to know that my behaviour of late has not exactly been one of complete professional control and decorum._

"I'm not sure how we do this?"

"How do you want to do this?"

"Counsellor….."

"I'm not being difficult Captain. How we do this is entirely up to you. You can just talk about your day if you wish or if you would prefer me to ask you questions, we can do that too."

"Tell you about my day? This is my counselling session?" Kathryn smirked, "If I'd known that I wouldn't have projected my tension across the Presido."

"Well I am perhaps looking for a bit more detail than 'I got up and had a sonic shower'."

Kathryn looked at Counsellor Troi, suspicion etched across her face, Troi - annoyingly - just smiled serenely back.

Kathryn sighed but acquiesced, "Well, this morning, I awoke in Indiana at my mother's house, I had spent the weekend there with family and friends."

"Were you nervous about today's briefing?"

"To be honest, I wasn't. Not this morning anyway. I awoke feeling the most relaxed and at peace I have felt in a long time. Mother had made pancakes."

"You were quite confident about how today's event would unfold?"

Kathryn paused, hesitant to put how she felt into words, "I haven't been confident no. And my good mood from this morning evaporated somewhere between a delay with the transporters in getting to San Francisco and an altercation with a FNN bloodhound. By the time I met with Chakotay outside the briefing room I was in a bit of a snit." Kathryn chuckled at the memory.

"You could have fooled me. You seemed amused and relaxed when you walked in this morning."

"Did I really?" Kathryn raised her eyebrow, she certainly hadn't felt amused until her brief banter with Chakotay.

"I was expecting a bit more tension." Troi admitted.

"Maybe my Captain's mask hasn't been left in the Delta Quadrant after all."

"So you were worried about the debriefing?"

"Yes. I've been…..I don't know how to put it into words. I felt sure that Starfleet were going to give us a much harder time then they have done. Yet they've been falling over themselves to make sure my crew are settling back ok. Everyone's been taken care of, the Maquis are to be pardoned, I'm feted as some kind of hero….."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"To be a Starfleet hero, followed by FNN reporters when I go to the bathroom? Cant say it was the top of my Christmas list."

Deanna laughed, "No, to be welcomed home with such open arms."

"Yes, of course."

"But?" Deanna pressed.

"I keep expecting the other shoe to drop."

"Why? Has anyone given any indication that there will be problems with these debriefings?"

"No."

"Has anyone made comments about the Maquis' pardons and offers of commissions?"

"No."

"Has anyone suggested that your actions have been in any way questionable."

Kathryn paused, no one had questioned her behaviour. Maybe that was the problem.

"Captain?"

"No."

"So why were you worried about the briefing?"

"I don't know."

"I don't believe you."

"I'm not a liar, Counsellor." Kathryn bristled.

"I never said you were."

"You said you don't believe me."

"Let me rephrase. I don't think you are lying to me….however…."

"However?"

"I think you are lying to yourself."

"I really -"

"Captain," Troi interrupted, "I know what I sense in you, but these sessions are pointless if its me telling you how you feel. You need to acknowledge your own feelings."

Kathryn sighed, frustrated with herself, "It's just all this. The attention. The praise. The adulation. My crew? Deserve all of it. Absolutely. But me? I keep expecting the other shoe to drop because I don't… I expected to be sanctioned, to be questioned because….." Kathryn stopped as she felt the temperature rise, she clawed at her throat suddenly unable to get enough oxygen into lungs.

"It's ok Captain. We can take this as slowly as you like."

"I'm sorry, could we open a window, I'm feeling a bit short of breath." _Not again, _Kathryn thought, _please, please make it stop._

"Of course. Try to steady your breathing Captain. Close your eyes. Take yourself back to a place where you feel the most secure. Where you feel happiest."

Kathryn tried to relax as she listened to Trio's hypnotic voice, picturing her mother's house in Indiana where she had felt so secure this weekend. Surrounded by her family, being teased by Pheobe, the children running round the house. It took a few moments but as she did so she felt her breathing begin to even out.

"Slowly now," encouraged Troi, "Is that better…take your time…good."

Kathryn opened her eyes to see Troi crouched on the floor in front of her, the counsellors hand wrapped around one of hers, a comforting gesture but Kathryn was sure it was also so she could surreptitiously take her pulse at the same time.

"I'm sorry I don't know what came over me." Kathry flushed at her loss of control, it had never been so extreme in front of another person before.

"Has this happened before?"

"Yes."

"When?"

Kathryn's brow crinkled as she attempted to recall, "The first time was after we came through the hub. I had spoken to Admiral Paris, I had given Chakotay the order to set a course for home. It should have been my moment of triumph."

"When else?"

"Before we met with our families on Planetia Utopia. After I had arrived at my mothers and was unpacking. At the homecoming ball when I speaking to Admiral Buloto, I thought I was going to faint at his feet."

"Well Bolians do have a distinctive smell."

Kathryn laughed out loud, dispelling some of her tension, "Are you supposed to be making me laugh."

"Its all part of the service, Captain."

Kathryn hung her head and swiped a hand over her eyes, she had never felt so out of control and to say she didn't like the feeling was rather an understatement. Why couldn't she just be happy? During her seven years in the delta quadrant she had gone through some of the worst experiences imaginable. Yet here, surrounded by those that love her, her crew returned safely and celebrated by Starfleet and she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. "What's wrong with me?" Kathryn asked with quiet frustration, more to herself than Deanna but the Counsellor answered her anyway.

"I don't have a magical diagnosis Captain. Whatever is causing these attacks has to do with something that is unresolved within you, but I think you already know that."

"So what do I do?"

"Two things. Firstly, we keep talking."

"And secondly?"

"Stay away from Bolians."

=/\=

"Can you believe that? I mean I've imagined a number of ways that Starfleet would greet us on our return but none of them ever came close to THAT!"

"They were so….humble. So genuinely interested in learning about our experiences. Surely there's a catch?"

"Ever the optimist Tom." joked B'Elanna as she dropped next to him.

Chakotay shrugged, "The Federation has made a number of bad decisions over the past decade, the situation regarding the B'aku in particular. The Federation's willingness to forcibly remove an entire culture for their own selfish needs goes against everything the Federation is supposed to stand for never mind the prime directive. Admiral DeSoto said it himself, the Federation is in no position to stand in judgement on us at the moment."

"Interesting the number of people who are hanging around for the debrief, even Captain Picard was in the audience today along with what looked like the entire senior staff of the Enterprise." Harry said.

"Commander LeForge came up to me at the end and asked if we could get together to discuss the slipstream technology and some of my warp modifications. It was surreal! The man is an engineering legend!"

"So are you Lieutenant. And the best engineers know that they don't know everything." Kathryn said as she made her way to the kitchen of her apartment.

Chakotay watched her go as the rest of the staff tried to identify who else had been sitting in the audience and got up to follow her.

He found her leaning on the worktop, her head bowed. For a moment he was at a loss, he wanted to comfort her but he knew she would not want a scene with the rest of the staff in the next room.

"Don't hover Chakotay. It doesn't become you."

"What's wrong?"

She smirked but there was no humour in it, "All this time I've been worried about what Starfleet would do to us, what the Federation would do to the Maquis members of our crew. I've been tying myself up in knots and what I should have been worried about was the Admiralty making me talk to a counsellor."

Chakotay was completely confused, "I'm not sure I - " Kathryn cut him off with a wave of her hand.

"Ignore me Chakotay. Now who was it that wanted coffee?"

"Kathryn." Chakotay said firmly and Kathryn looked up at him with an expression that made his heart break.

"I know Chakotay. Just not….now."

"You can't keep putting this conversation off."

"I know. I'm not sure where to begin or what I need to say. And I certainly don't want to have this discussion when our staff are in the next room."

"OK but I will say this. The counselling sessions will get better, you've got it give it time. You need to talk to someone and if you wont talk to me, then I know no one better than Deanna Troi."

"You make me sound like…."

"Like a Captain who has just returned from a 7 year journey in the Delta Quadrant, which included facing down the most challenging of enemies, including the borg queen herself."

"Well when you put it like that," Kathryn sighed, rubbing her face with her hands. Chakotay moved to take her hands in his own and remembering they were not alone, lowered his voice.

"Someone also reminded me recently that you are also a woman who has had the most unbelievable responsibility these past seven years. You're going to need a little bit of time to acclimatise that's all.

Chakotay paused, hoping he was getting through to her.

"I'm here for you, you know. For the Captain. But I'm also here for Kathryn."

"You make me sound like I've got a split personality disorder." Kathryn quipped, staring at Chakotay's hands covering her own.

"Haven't we all? I'm Chakotay, son of Kolopak. Brother to Sekaya. Maquis. Starfleet. Captain. Commander. Best friend."

Kathryn looked up at him and he had never seen her so open and vulnerable. At least not since a deserted paradise thousands of light years away, with a small cabin, a wooden bathtub and an ancient legend….

He drew her to him in a comforting hug and felt her shudder.

He hugged her tighter.

The sound of laughter drifted through to the kitchen from the lounge, Kathryn sniffed and smiled up at Chakotay.

"Coffee?"

"I'm on it."

=/\=

"You're going to have to call me Kathryn, I walk into this room and suddenly my years of command experience go out the window and I become a blubbering wreck." Kathryn said, throwing her arms up in frustration as she paced the length of Troi's temporary office.

"OK," Troi said lightly, "So Kathryn I will ask again. What else could you have done?"

"I could have had Tuvok fix the array and we would have returned home."

"You know Will has a wonderful phrase that is running through my head at the moment."

"Please do tell," Kathryn said with no little amount of sarcasm as she finally stopped her pacing.

"Bullshit."

Kathryn whipped her head round to stare at Deanna, "Excuse me?" she said, her voice dropping low.

"See the Captain is alive and well. That was good, two words and you nearly have me quaking in my boots." Troi laughed. Kathryn was nonplussed, she couldn't get a handle on this Betazoid.

"OK," she waived her hand at Troi, "Ill bite. Why is that bullshit?"

"Have you thought it through at all, the consequences of those actions?"

"Of course I have," Kathryn snapped.

"Well lets go through them. One, you would have served on the Ocampa a certain death sentence."

"True but if I had followed General Order One to the letter, then that is what I should have done."

"I don't think the Prime Directive applies, you were brought there by the Caretaker, you were involved whether you wanted to be or not. And without your arrival, he would have destroyed the array anyway. So in some convoluted way, you were upholding the prime directive."

"Convoluted?" Kathryn chuckled, "I think Will's phrase might be of use here right now."

"OK maybe I am pushing it but also, you lost a significant number of your crew during the first displacement wave, what makes you think you wouldn't have lost a similar amount on the way back?"

"We would have been ready for it this time, the crew would have been secure."

"Maybe, maybe not. OK then, what makes you think you would have been able to hold off the Kazon? Commander Tuvok said during the debrief that it would have taken several hours to re-align the array in order to send you back. Commander Chakotay had already sacrificed his ship to save yours and the Kazon had already caused significant damage to the array. A few more hours, the Kazon would have regrouped and you would have been outnumbered."

Kathryn looked at Troi as if she had grown two heads.

"You know this is strangest counselling session I have ever been to. We're discussing _tactics_?"

Deanna smiled serenely at her and Kathryn envied her calmness at the moment, "You need to do this Kathryn, this is, after all, what you wanted the Admiralty to do isn't it? Question your decisions?"

Kathryn nodded slowly, it was what she wanted Starfleet to do. _Why?_

"Why do I want the Admiralty to do that?" she mused, as much to herself as to Deanna.

"Oh that's a whole other story I think. Why don't we just continue with this part at the moment. Any other reasons why destroying the array would have been a bad idea?"

"The Maquis." Kathryn blurted out before she could stop it. Mike Ayala's impassioned words ringing in her ears.

"The Maquis?"

"Yes, and my Starfleet officers come to think of it. One of my security officers pointed out to me that had we returned through the array, one of two things would have happened to the Maquis. Prison or slaughter on Tevlik Moon."

Kathryn watched as Deanna shuddered, much as the same as she had felt when Ayala had calmly reminded her of the Maquis' fate in the alpha quadrant. She recalled Chakotay's own response to his letter from Sveta. It had taken him many days to talk to her about it. It was one of the few times she had seen him close to tears.

"And as for the Starfleet contingent, you know better than I the impact of the Dominion War on Starfleet, many of my crew could have ended up dead."

"So…." Deanna prompted.

"So while none of this impacted on my decision at the time, I was reminded that not all bad came from my decision to destroy the array."

"I would think a lot of good came from your decision. Run through a few of them for me,"

Kathryn laughed, "You want a list?"

"Yes. Don't go into too much detail, just list the good things that came out of your seven year journey."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, but was happy to play along for the moment, "Ok, Kes and Neelix. I dread to think what our journey would have been like without them."

"Good, tell me more."

"Tom Paris. He proved just what a good man he is, he wouldn't have been given the chance to do that here. B'Elanna Torres proved all her academy instructors right, she's the finest engineer I have ever worked with. Harry Kim. He grew up so much, had far more responsibility than was fair in many respects with him being fresh out of the academy….."

Kathryn felt as if she spoke for hours as she listed all the ways in which her crew had benefited. How the Maquis had quickly and so successfully adapted to Starfleet life, how they and their ways had impacted positively on the Starfleet crew. The friendships and relationships that had been created. The Doctor's growth from mere hologram to an individual in his own right. Seven's liberation from the borg. It was easy to forget all the good in between all the bad.

"You know Kathryn, you haven't once mentioned anything about yourself." Deanna said after Kathryn felt she had exhausted her 'good' list. "What did you get out of the journey?"

At first Kathryn wasn't sure how to answer, she had never really pondered the question before.

"I presume you have read about our experience with the 37's and Amelia Earheart?"

Deanna nodded in response.

"They offered us the chance to stay with them. I felt as if it was a decision I couldn't make on behalf of the crew, so I gave them the option. Anyone who wanted to remain was to assemble in one of the cargo bays." Kathryn's voice began to tremble as she recalled the memory, she looked at Troi who smiled gently.

"I remember Chakotay and I listing the crew members who we thought would stay behind. As we got to the cargo bay doors I told him I didn't want to go in. I could have been facing half my crew opting to stay behind. We hardly had enough officers to run the ship as it was, losing anymore and the decision to remain would have been made for us."

"So from a pure command point of view you had concerns that were entirely reasonable."

Kathryn nodded in agreement, "Yes. But it was more than that. Even then, so early on in our journey, I knew we had created something different on Voyager. Something unique. I didn't want to lose that."

"You didn't want to lose your family," Troi suggested and Kathryn again nodded.

"I'm not sure what Chakotay thought of me, standing prone in front of the cargo doors. But he told me….he told me that no matter what, we would get there." Kathryn smiled at the memory and paused as she caught Deanna's brow furrow.

"What?"

"Nothing, carry on. What happened when you walked in?"

"There was no one there."

"They had all decided to stay?"

"Every single one of them. It blew me away. The loyalty. I have never experienced anything like it." Kathryn couldn't help the tear that escaped and rolled down her cheek. "I will never have a finer crew."

=/\=

It was quite strange, being counselled by a stranger, _no pun intended_, Chakotay thought. Chakotay had gotten used to his 'counsellors' being people who knew him pretty well. He had forgotten how liberating it could be to share your darkest secrets with someone who knew nothing about you personally.

While he always tried to be honest if he were talking with the Captain or with B'Elanna, he always on some level had to hold things back. With the Captain there was always going to be stuff she didn't need to hear (or wouldn't want to). With B'Elanna, as her Commanding Officer, there were things he simply couldn't share with her.

Talking with Commander Sheron however was like a balm to the soul. He didn't have to hold back for fear of breaking protocol or fear of upsetting the person he was talking to. He could be brutally honest. Which was probably why Kathryn was having so much problems with her sessions. For seven years she had kept a tight hold of her emotions. He had only seen the captain's mask slip a few times in all the years he had known her and, given with what they faced on a daily basis, that was pretty remarkable.

Speaking of Kathryn, Chakotay was keen to find her. Seeing how she was at the end of her first session with Counsellor Troi he wanted to make sure she was ok. A nervous looking ensign had pointed him towards the mess hall and as he scanned the room a husky laugh floated towards him. She was seated with Mike Ayala. Again. They were leaning in towards each other laughing at a padd Ayala held in his hand. Chakotay felt suddenly awkward, he wasn't sure if he should interrupt them and felt ridiculous for his indecision. A few days ago he was giving her a foot rub and now he didn't dare intrude on her lunch with a former member of her crew. _Get a grip old man._

Yet still he hesitated and just as he was about to leave Kathryn looked up and caught his eye. She beckoned him over with a big smile. Ayala turned round to see who Kathryn was looking at. Did Chakotay imagine the slight disappointment in his eyes at being interrupted during his one on one time with the Captain?

"Chakotay you have to see these pictures," Kathryn enthused as Chakotay took the seat next to her and across from Ayala.

Mike grinned at him and Chakotay felt sure his earlier assumption was just paranoia. He took the padd from Mike's hand and thumbed through some images of what looked like Mike's children and their school graduations. He had known Ayala's children from birth, to see them so grown up in their graduation outfits made him realise just how much time had passed. He had no idea of how it must have been for Mike. He looked across at him and saw nothing but pride etched in his features.

"Wow Mike, you must be very proud. I couldnt believe how much they had grown when I saw them on our return."

"I know, you wouldn't think that these were the same two who used to try and stowaway on the Liberty?"

"Really?" Kathryn exclaimed, laughing as she did so.

"Really," Chakotay nodded, "They found some very imaginative hiding places."

As Mike regaled Kathryn with his children's exploits, Chakotay took some time to watch their interaction. Since the party on Voyager, he had picked up on Mike's attraction to their Captain. Kathryn seemed equally comfortable with Mike. It wasn't a pairing he would have ever considered if they had still remained on Voyager but here, on Earth, everything was different. He wasn't her usual type, but then did he really know what her usual type was?

Chakotay watched as she threw her head back at something Mike said and Chakotay felt a stab of something. He wasn't sure he could name it. She used to laugh like that with him. When had they stopped? Journeying through the time fractured Voyager with the young Janeway had reminded Chakotay of just how much fun they used to have together during their early years in the delta quadrant. Kathryn was an irrepressible flirt when she wanted to be.

_For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well. So I was wondering, just how close do we get?_

He had answered as honestly as he could. There are barriers they never crossed. But was that the whole story? He gave himself a mental shake. _Don't go there old man. That road leads to nowhere._

He was broken from his reverie by Kathryn's hand on his arm, "That sounds wonderful, don't you think Chakotay?"

Chakotay blushed, he had no idea what Kathryn was talking about, thankfully Ayala helped him out.

"It's been a long time since I set foot on my homeworld but my sons tell me the restoration has gone well so far. I'd like to spend some time there doing my bit too before I take up the commission Starfleet offered me."

Chakotay smiled at his old friend, "Its an excellent idea Mike, I had plans to go back for a visit myself once the debriefings were complete." Mike nodded, obviously pleased to have Chakotay's support and got up to go.

"Well, if you'll excuse me Captain, Commander, I'm due to meet my sons."

"Thank you for lunch Mike. And keep in touch." Kathryn smiled up at Ayala who grinned back. They held each other's gaze and Chakotay looked away.

"So Commander," Kathryn turned to him as Ayala made his way out of the mess hall. "How was your torture session?"

=/\=


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you so much for the reviews, alerts and favourites. Makes my day. Apologies for the delay, slight block despite my plan!

Chapter 4

=/\=

"Well there is really only one answer in situations like these."

Kathryn looked resignedly up at Counsellor Troi, although this had not been a harrowing session, like so many had been (reliving the Vidians had been a particular highlight) it had been somewhat…emotional.

"Pray, tell." Kathryn replied, failing to keep the sarcasm out of her voice, which earned an impish grin from her assigned counsellor. Or was that torturer? Kathryn wasn't sure.

"Chocolate."

Kathryn blinked, that was not the answer she had been expecting. "Chocolate?"

"I've long since discovered that chocolate is truly the answer to all ills. If the Borg sat down and ate a nice big bowl of chocolate ice cream they wouldn't be so uptight."

"I don't think I've heard the Borg merely described as uptight before, but now you come to mention it."

"Come on. Let's go to the mess hall, watch the world go by and eat ice cream."

Troi jumped up, her eyes dancing and Kathryn couldn't help but have her spirits lifted a little. As the 'torture' sessions wore on she was beginning to like Deanna Troi more and more. It had been a long time since she was able to form a true friendship with another woman and although, technically, Troi was her counsellor and although, technically, Kathryn outranked her, Troi was not the least bit intimidated.

"Couldn't we just have had ice cream in your office?" Kathryn asked as Troi put on obscenely big bowl of ice cream down in front of her.

"The view here is better." Troi smirked back and Kathryn followed her eye line to see her old Academy compatriot Will Riker ambling towards them, joking with a fellow Commander. That in itself wasn't strange, but Kathryn was a little bit surprised that the Commander in question was none other than her faithful first officer. She didn't know Will and Chakotay knew each other.

"Well what do we have here? So this is what you get up to when you tell me you're on some top secret assignment." Will grinned at his fiancé and winked at Kathryn. She felt relieved that the obvious 'assignment' was going to remain unspoken.

"Ill have you know that testing the 54 different recipes held by the mess replicator for chocolate ice cream is perhaps the most important mission I have ever undertaken." Deanna saucily replied and Kathryn laughed at Riker's responding patient grin and subtle eye roll.

"Well, I hate to interrupt but would you mind if we joined you?" Riker asked, his mischievous tone belying the formal request.

"Please do Commander. I wasn't aware that you two knew each other." Kathryn said, indicating Chakotay with her head.

"We don't," answered Chakotay, "We do however share the rather tedious job of trying on a regular basis to prevent our erstwhile Captains from undertaking dangerous away missions."

Riker clapped Chakotay on the back and laughed, "What can I say Captain, we've bonded on mutual frustration."

Kathryn rolled her eyes at Chakotay who pretended not to notice and turned her attention to the ice cream in front of her. She took a large bite and was pleasantly surprised to realise that Deanna had provided her with coffee ice cream. She went up again in her estimations.

"Oh Deanna, you might have just become my favourite person in the world."

Troi who was ooing and aahing over her own obviously delicious ice cream managed to reply around her mouthful. "You're easily pleased."

Kathryn sent a glare towards Chakotay at his barely contained snort and continued delving in to her ice cream. Her attention was diverted however by the silence across the table and she looked up to see Riker grinning widely and shaking his head, while Chakotay failed to suppress a matching grin.

"What?" Kathryn demanded.

"If the pair of you could see yourselves. You are making us men feel redundant."

"Redundant?" Kathryn asked and sent a quizzical look at Deanna who seemed frustrated that Will was diverting her attention from her ice cream.

"Captain if you had looked at me the same way as you are looking at that ice cream, we might have finished our date that you ran out on."

Kathryn glared back at Riker and darted her eyes to Chakotay who was again failing to contain his amusement.

"Commander Riker was just telling me how he apparently scared you off, Captain." Chakotay said cheekily.

"Oh he didn't scare me Chakotay," Kathryn replied, the words dripping with ice, "He just bored me."

Kathryn smirked as Troi choked on her mouthful at Riker's crestfallen face.

"Will, stop harassing the Captain. Why don't you be a good boy and fetch me a hot chocolate." Will, obviously not unused to such strange demands, dutifully got up to fetch her drink while Chakotay continued to smirk at Kathryn.

"Yes, Commander?" Kathryn said, although Chakotay caught on quickly that it was more a demand than a question.

"Ill get you a coffee."

"Good man." Kathryn smiled as Chakotay followed in Will's footsteps and turned to see Deanna staring at her wide eyed.

"You know, I think it is about time that I gave you a medical diagnosis."

Kathryn was shocked, "Now?"

"Yes, now. I regret to inform you Captain, that is my professional opinion that you are mad. Crazy Nutty. Round the twist."

The calm way Deanna delivered her 'professional' assessment in the unsuitable location of a Starfleet mess hall made Kathryn think that it was the Counsellor who was perhaps the one suffering from mental imbalance.

Troi continued, a smirk forming as she did so.

"A deserted paradise. No ship. No crew. Just a little cabin, a bath tub and that man. And you tell him you need to 'define parameters'. Really Kathryn."

Kathryn, not for the first time in Deanna's company, was speechless.

"One coffee. Black." Chakotay said as he returned to sit opposite and grinned at Kathryn. His dimples on full power.

"Loco." Troi whispered and Kathryn pretended not to hear as she accepted her favourite beverage and inwardly cursed the Admiralty who had spent the day's briefing discussing the few times the crew had been stranded on alien worlds.

=/\=

Chakotay was not sure how Kathryn had managed to keep her tone so calm. She was serene when dealing with the more-than-slightly-annoying FNN. Her grace and poise in such situations, even after all these years of knowing her, still surprised him.

As they successfully navigated to the turbo lift back up to Kathryn's office after yet another tortuous briefing session, he marvelled at the famous 'captain's mask'. Very few people in the quadrant would have guessed that Kathryn had just spent four hours describing one of the most horrific experiences of her life: assimilation.

And anyone watching the latest FNN report would have thought that the famous Kathryn Janeway was 'enjoying the opportunity to share Voyager's experiences to benefit the Federation'. But Chakotay knew better. He also knew that she knew he knew better. It was the game they played. Much like the fact that his convenient 'chance' meetings with Kathryn following her counselling sessions with Deanna Troi, had not - he was sure - gone unnoticed either. What intrigued him was that, so far, she had yet to call him on it.

"Penny for them?"

His was disturbed from his reverie by the object of this thoughts. An arched eyebrow and a half smirk indicated that he had probably been preoccupied for some time.

"Just wondering how much longer these briefings will go on for. Having to navigate FNN reporters every time I exit my apartment or HQ is not my idea of fun." He said, his exasperation evident.

"Looking forward to some anonymity, Commander?" Kathryn tossed over her shoulder as they entered her office.

"I'm not sure any of us will ever get that, but some peace and quiet for a few days would be nice."

"I doubt it will take too much longer." Kathryn said thoughtfully. Chakotay watched her as she paused at her desk, fiddling with some padds that lay scattered across it. He knew her well enough to know that there was something on her mind and he knew her well enough to know that she was hesitating at telling him something. He debated between waiting her out or pressing her. For all the time that they had spent together recently, there were still moments where it seemed that the scars that marred the last few years of their friendship had not faded significantly for him to feel as comfortable as her confidante as he wanted to be.

He glanced up from the desk to her face to see her staring straight at him. They had an entire conversation with that one look, it was almost like an exhale of breath.

"Owen told me that the topic for discussion next week will be Captain Ransom and the Equinox." Kathryn said simply, her tension evident.

"Ah."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at his understated response.

"Ah indeed," she continued, "Not one of my finest Delta Quadrant moments."

"We've all had moments we wish we could go back an do differently. Ransom was an unique experience."

"If it hadn't been for you, Chakotay, it could have been a lot worse."

Chakotay paused before responding, they hadn't ever properly discussed what happened. Surviving in the Delta Quadrant meant that a lot of issues that here in the Alpha Quadrant would have meant immediate compassionate leave and counselling, were simply brushed under the metaphorical carpet to be dealt with at a more appropriate time. Of course there never was a more appropriate time.

"You made a mistake. Yes." He watched her bristle at his words and he knew he had to tread carefully. The fact that she brought the subject up showed how much she was obviously disturbed at the prospect of discussing it with the Admiralty. He didn't want to say anything that may make her withdraw from him.

"Well thank you Chakotay. I feel so much better." Kathryn said with no little amount of sarcasm.

Chakotay held his ground, "It's the truth. You know it's the truth. If you didn't, then I would be worried. We've moved on Kathryn, you more than made up for your lapse in judgement. You gained the trust and respect of the Equinox crew, including Lawson. That says more about you and your command than one incident, regrettable as it may have been."

Kathryn inclined her head in acknowledgement at Chakotay's words and turned towards the window deep in thought. It was a scene Chakotay had seen many times and he was grateful for its familiarity. He caught her eye in the reflection and she half turned to look at him over her shoulder.

"You know Chakotay you have saved me more times than I could possibly count, from hostile aliens, hostile crew…but more than anyone else, including my sister, my mother - you've saved me from myself."

Chakotay sensing her struggle with her emotions, swallowed slowly before replying.

"I would say you've done the same for me. Its what partnership, friendship, is all about."

She nodded in response as they let the weight of their words sink in, helping the scars to fade a little more. He watched as she walked towards the replicator, smiling as he knew what was coming.

"Coffee?" She asked.

"Please." Sensing that any further emotive discussion was being postponed for the moment, Chakotay moved the conversation towards more pressing topics such as the latest Voyager crew gossip.

"Did you know that Darby and Hendly had set a date for their wedding?" Chakotay asked and Kathryn grinned widely. She was always the first to hear gossip, he never understood how.

"I did, they've asked me to officiate. I'm thinking of leaving Starfleet and becoming a full time wedding officiator. All these weddings, I cant believe how many of the crew paired off without me knowing."

Chakotay gave her a disbelieving look but couldn't help but grin when she gave him a mischievous smile. She knew damn well who was dating who, she had certainly known about him and Seven. They never did have that conversation…

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I spoke to Mike yesterday."

"Ayala?" Chakotay asked, his surprise evident as much at her familiarity with the Lieutenant as well as the fact they kept in touch.

"Hmmm," she murmured around her coffee, "He and his boys arrived safely."

Chakotay wasn't sure why Ayala was calling the Captain to advise of his safe arrival, but Kathryn was continuing before he had time to consider the question properly.

"He said that the reconstruction was going well, he's shocked at how much has already been done."

Chakotay nodded his head, "Sekaya said the same thing. I'm looking forward to visiting as soon as the debriefings are over with."

"Fancy some company on the journey?" Kathryn asked to Chakotay's shock.

"You're going to Trebus?"

"Yes, Mike suggested it. Seems like a wonderful idea, didn't you know?"

_Know what? _Chakotay thought but didn't voice. Before he could answer, Kathryn was continuing.

"I'm looking forward to it. A nice way to end the debriefings don't you think?"

Chakotay could only nod in response and tried not to explore why he felt so uncomfortable with the idea that Kathryn was to visit his homeland at Ayala's request and not his.

=/\=

"You've suffered from depression before?" It was phrased as a question but Kathryn knew, frustratingly, that Troi was well aware of her medical file and psyche evaluations. It was the one part of these sessions that was always going to grate. Troi stating the obvious. Or making Kathryn state the obvious. Vocalising your emotions, is how Troi explained it. Kathryn, who despite her fondness for her counsellor, thought that vocalising emotions to an empathic betazoid was just a waste of time.

"You know I have. It's in my file." Kathryn dismissed.

"Kathryn, I don't want to just read what's in your file. I need to hear it from you."

"I've dealt with it." Kathryn countered as she paced the office with her hands on her hips.

"Have you?"

"Yes. And I don't appreciate being questioned like this."

"But this is what you wanted, remember."

"Yes, about my tactics, my command decisions. It was a perfectly legitimate command decision to make."

"Your crew didn't think so. Your first officer staged what some may consider a mutiny."

"Oh don't be ridiculous. It was not a mutiny. They came up with an alternative and I accepted."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

"OK then so how was stranding yourself in the, how did you describe it? The Void? How was stranding yourself in the void, leaving your ship without it's Captain, the right command decision?"

"I will do anything to protect my crew." Kathryn ground out.

"Fair enough. Were you doing everything to protect your crew when you were chasing Captain Ransom through the Delta Quadrant?"

Kathryn turned in shock. "Excuse me Counsellor?"

"You heard me."

"We weren't discussing Ransom."

"No. But it's relevant don't you think?"

"No I do not. How _dare_ you question what I would do to protect my crew. The Equinox mission has not yet even been discussed at the briefings yet, how on earth it is relevant now is beyond me."

"It's all linked Kathryn, don't you see?"

"No I do not. Can we get back to discussing the mission we are supposed to be discussing?" It wasn't a request, and Kathryn knew, frustratingly, that the counsellor wouldn't be in the least bit intimidated.

"No, I think we need to discuss Captain Ransom." Deanna said calmly.

Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose, even discussing the Equinox with Chakotay the day before had frayed her emotions, she hadn't had time to prepare herself for Troi's probing. She had to get out of there.

"This session is over." Kathryn said with anger lacing her tone, although she knew the anger was more directed at her own lack of self control and shame at the incident, which Troi would know only too well.

She turned to leave the room.

"It wasn't your fault Kathryn." Troi's soft voice stopped Kathryn in her tracks. Of all the patronising things to say!

"I know it wasn't my fault. I was in no way responsible for Captain Ransom's actions."

"I'm talking about getting stranded in the delta quadrant in the first place and I'm talking about Tal Ceti Prime."

Kathryn turned slowly round to stare at Deanna. _Cold so cold….._

She blinked to force the memories from her head.

"I don't want to talk about that. It has nothing to do with the Voyager briefings." If it was anyone else, Kathryn knew that her tone would send out a quadrant wide red alert, but Troi was not fazed in the slightest.

"It has everything to do with the Voyager briefings Kathryn. The death of your fiancé and your father had a profound impact on you and your career. If the accident hadn't happened, do you really think you would have been commanding Voyager?"

Kathryn was non-plussed. She knew Troi would want to discuss the void after the briefing earlier today but to be now talking about Ransom and the accident that killed Justin and her father…she couldn't keep up with it. Her anger dimmed slightly to be replaced by honest confusion.

"I don't know why you've brought this up? I do not want to discuss it."

"I know Kathryn, that's the problem. And that's why you've been experiencing panic attacks since you came home."

"I think you've overstepped the line Counsellor."

"I don't have a line Kathryn. You wanted to know why you've been experiencing the panic attacks. Now I'm telling you."

"What happened to letting me find out on my own?" Kathryn shot back.

"You're pretty stubborn and I am getting impatient. This is a little short cut, I am supposed to be getting married in a few months. I'd like you to be there and I would prefer a healthy, happy Kathryn, freed from her self imposed restraints."

"Oh I wouldn't worry Counsellor, I doubt very much that Ill be in attendance. If you'll excuse me." Kathryn turned back to the door and walked through into the outer office. She felt the heat course through her body and she couldn't catch her breath. _Not now. Please, please not now._

She steadied herself against the wall of the outer office and to her shame could not stop the tears that began to fall, she could hear Troi's footsteps, obviously intending to follow her. She couldn't face her. She couldn't face any of it. She slapped her comm badge and asked for an immediate site to site transport to the one place that would provide her with refuge.

She materialised alone, in an empty room, her breathing ragged. _So so cold. _

She shook her head to chase the memories away, but her body temperature had gone from steaming to freezing, she shivered violently. It was almost as if she was back there. _Cold so cold. Daddy. Justin. _

No she wouldn't go back there. She wouldn't go through that again. _Get a grip Captain._

Kathryn.

Not Captain. Or Captain not Kathryn?

Why couldn't she think straight? _Please stop._

Stop.

Just stop.

Kathryn. Just stop.

"KATHRYN!"

Kathryn blinked and found herself looking at her mother, her mother's eyes wide in confusion.

"What's wrong?"

_Wrong? Everythings wrong._

"Talk to me Kathryn. I come home to find you here, unnanounced, shivering in the middle of my lounge, my god, I thought you were catatonic."

"I dont know." And she didn't. She didn't know anything.

Gretchen just stared at her. Kathryn imagined her mother's scientific mind trying to work out all the variables that could have possible resulted in the somwhat confused daughter standing in front her.

"What is it darling? I thought the briefings had gone well today. Has something happened?"

Kathryn shook her head, unable to express what was in her mind. She was unable to rationalise it herself, how she expected her mother to understand she did not know.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Kathryn whispered, too ashamed at her behaviour to look her mother in the eye until Gretchen lifted her chin up to look her in the eye.

What she saw there, Kathryn did not know but Gretchen's arms opened immediately and she fell into them.

And Kathryn did something she rarely did in front of another human being.

She cried.

She cried for her father. For Justin. For her mother and sister. For the years her crew had missed. She cried for Joe Carey and the crew that never came home. She cried for Ransom. For Kes and for Neelix and the friends she would never see again.

And for the first time she cried for herself. For the unbearable responsibility she carried for seven years. For the sacrifices she had made. For the life she could have had. For Mark. For Jaffen. She cried for the scars that would never fully heal. She cried for Admiral Janeway who risked everything. She just cried.

And her mother held her.

=/\=


	5. Chapter 5

=/\=

"She's not here."

Chakotay turned towards the musical voice of Deanna Troi. He had been sitting in the gardens across from Troi's office, a fresh cup of coffee in hand ready for his caffeine addicted captain.

"Who?" Chakotay tried to play dumb, then mentally slapped himself when he realised who he was talking to. Troi, thankfully, merely gave him a patient smile and asked if he minded her sitting with him.

"Please." He replied and held out his hand in invitation to the seat next to him.

"Did I miss her?" Chakotay asked, all pretence forgotten.

"Well, sort of."

"Sort of?"

"She left early and took a site-to-site transport to her mother's house."

Chakotay was alarmed, Kathryn rarely abused the site-to-site privilege, choosing to take the short walk to the transport station instead. It's where, if he timed it right, he normally caught her after her counselling sessions. Coffee in hand. She never questioned how he happened to be there, day after day. Which, Chakotay thought, should have worried him more than it did.

"Was something wrong? Is Gretchen OK?" Chakotay asked, trying to not let his concern morph into panic. Damn woman. Always makes him go to red alert quicker than he can blink.

Troi huffed, "Gretchen's fine. Kathryn decided to end the session rather abruptly. I may have touched a nerve."

Now this did concern him. She had been doing so well, he thought. He knew she had a lot of respect for Deanna Troi and was very fond of her. He had been relieved she was finally opening up to someone. Despite the Admiralty doing all they could to reassure the crew during the debriefings, it still could be pretty harrowing. Kathryn was right, there were some things they should have left the memory of 70,000 light years away. So the fact she seemed comfortable discussing the briefings with Deanna, despite her initial concerns, was a huge relief. Which was why the fact that she had now, to all intents and purposes, run away was a little disconcerting.

"Tell me Chakotay, just how did you put up with her for all those years?" Deanna asked, there was slight amusement to her tone but Chakotay could tell she was concerned.

"I used to get her drunk on Antarian cider."

Deanna threw her head back and laughed. "Perhaps I should try that next time."

"Can you tell me….?"

"No." Troi interrupted. "I shouldn't be speaking to you about her at all."

"So why are you?"

"I'm trying to understand her."

Chakotay nodded thoughtfully. "There are times when Kathryn is the most open and honest Captain I have ever had the pleasure of serving."

"But?" Deanna encouraged and as she turned to look at him, he suddenly wondered how Kathryn had put up with Deanna at all. It felt as if she could look into your very soul and for such a private person as Kathryn was, that had to be exposing in the most violent way.

"But she is a little too good at perfecting the Captain's mask."

Deanna nodded in obvious agreement before Chakotay continued.

"She had to be really. There wasn't much option. We were 70,000 light years away from Starfleet. From any support. We had to merge two crews who weren't particularly fond of each other. We had nasty locals making life hell for us. We were chartering the unknown and the idea of taking time off was a luxury we couldn't afford.

Kathryn had to be the Captain 24/7. Do you know that for most of the seven years we were out there, I was the only member of the crew that called her Kathryn. How must that have been? I was the only person she could confide in, who she could be Kathryn with. The rest of the crew tried and yes, she developed relationships with them that were stronger and more emotional than most Captains would have. But, she was still the _Captain._"

Troi sighed, "And now she is back here. Suddenly that pressure of responsibility is lifted. She is now having to answer to Admirals and to people who have called her Kathryn all her life."

"Has she mentioned Quarra to you at all?" Chakotay asked and Deanna just gave him a withering look.

"OK, OK. Ill presume she has and that you've read all about it in her logs. I asked her, when she still didn't know who she was, why she was happy just being an employee. She was more than capable of running the plant, why didn't she? Do you know what she said? She said, why would I want the responsibility."

Deanna looked thoughtfully at that before turning back to him. "Don't take this the wrong way Chakotay. But why are you here?"

"Here? I was waiting for Kathryn."

"Yes, you are here every day. Or if you are not here, you are in the mess hall with her, or you are at her office…."

"I am her First Officer." Chakotay answered defensively.

"When I was counselling Captain Picard after his assimilation, Will didn't stalk him."

"This is different."

"How?"

"I'm not your patient, Counsellor."

"You know you've nearly got her tone down perfectly. You've spent far too much time together."

Chakotay exhaled, he knew he was defensive because he wasn't sure how to answer the question.

Ayala's impassioned words after the Voyager party sprung to mind. He knew why he was here, he wanted to prove Ayala wrong. That he hadn't stopped _seeing _Kathryn. His vision might have been impaired for a while but knew that his place was at her side. She was his best friend and he had resolved that no matter what the future held for them both, she would never doubt his friendship or commitment again.

"A member of the crew told me a few home truths recently. He asked what would happen to Kathryn when we got home, when her crew dispersed back to their lives. How was she supposed to go back to just being Kathryn? Could she? Would she be allowed to? He said, 'We have a Captain still looking for redemption and Starfleet who are searching for a hero'."

"Do you think she is looking for redemption?"

"Not knowingly. Anyone would think getting home would be redemption enough." Chakotay said.

"But its not?" Troi asked.

Chakotay shook his head, "I don't think it is enough, what could be? If she felt ultimately responsible for Voyager being in the Delta Quadrant all this time, what could possibly be enough?"

"You were afraid Starfleet may take advantage of that." Troi asked, surprise in her tone.

"I was certain of it."

"But Starfleet have been very considerate haven't they?"

"Exactly. Starfleet have been fabulous, they haven't taken their 'pound of flesh' as we feared."

"Leaving Kathryn with….." Troi gestured 'nothing' with a shrug.

"Exactly, for seven years she kept looking towards home and never stopped believing that we would get there. She bore the burden nearly entirely on her own. She finally gets us home and -"

"The burden is lifted."

"Without warning. For all we dreamed about returning home, none of us could have imagined just how we would feel when we did. We didn't have the chance to think about it, one morning we were facing another 30 years in the Delta Quadrant, the next moment we're here."

Chakotay got the impression he wasn't telling Troi anything she didn't already know. They sat quietly for a few minutes, Kathryn's coffee cooling in his hands. He wondered if he should contact Gretchen.

"I wouldn't if I were you." Troi said.

"I thought you were empathic, not a mind reader." Chakotay shot back at her.

"Oh please, your body language completely gives you away. She's ok. She's in safe hands."

Chakotay had to nod at that. The Captain's well-being wasn't his sole responsibility anymore. He felt almost sad at the fact.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Troi asked.

Chakotay nodded, he doubted there wasn't anything she didn't already know anyway.

"I had heard rumours that you were in a relationship with another member of the crew. Seven of Nine?"

Chakotay felt the heat rise to his face. He knew he shouldn't feel embarrassed but for some reason, he did.

"We were. Briefly. Not anymore." Brief wasn't the word. A few dates, a few kisses and he was unceremoniously kicked to the kerb.

Deanna nodded, "That's good."

_Good? _Chakotay raised an eyebrow, his curiosity peaked. "Can I ask why?"

Deanna smirked and Chakotay had the terrible feeling she knew something he didn't.

=/\=

Kathryn couldn't help but laugh at her mother's exasperation. She felt some sympathy. There was nothing more annoying than a 'take-charge' Phoebe. Kathryn knew that all it would take was a simple, terse 'enough' from her mother and Phoebe would meekly acquiesce and go back to annoying Kathryn. Gretchen had admirably tried to keep her irrepressible daughter away from bothering Kathryn and she appreciated the sacrifice her mother was making. But surely, anytime now and she was going to break.

"You've forgot the raisins mom."

"I'm not using the raisins Phoebe."

"Are you sure you've put enough sugar in that, I think you need to put in extra."

"Ive been doing this a long time Phoebe. I think I can manage."

"Yes but - Mom! Don't do it like that."

"Phoebe."

Here it comes, thought Kathryn. She stuffed a hand in front of her face to stop the snort that was threatening to come out as she did a silent countdown in her head.

"PHOEBE!"

Ah ha. There it was.

"That's it. Enough. Out of my kitchen. I know perfectly well how to make apple pie."

"But Kathryn likes it with the raisins." Phoebe whined. For 40 years old, Phoebe could still whine impressively.

"Out." Ouch, thought Kathryn, that was a tone that put the fear of God into the Janeway girls. More than any tone their father could have used.

A rather meek Phoebe returned to the sofa where Kathryn was ensconced, wrapped up in blanket. She knew she must look a sight: red puffy eyes, black bags under them, a red nose raw from blowing it. But for once Kathryn really did not care. Her moment - breakdown Phoebe had called it, but Kathryn still refused to call it that - had been strangely cathartic. Seven years in the making she supposed. She should have been horrified at how she reacted, how she stormed out of Troi's office, how she collapsed in her mother's arms. But she wasn't. All she felt was relief.

"At least we know where you get your bossiness from." Phoebe said in a huff.

Kathryn rolled her eyes at her sister, "You know better than to criticise her apple pie."

Phoebe smirked, "That's what she gets for waiting a whole hour to call me when you had your breakdown."

"Do we have to keep calling it that?" Kathryn sighed in exasperation.

"Yes." Phoebe grinned. Kathryn thought she was enjoying all of this just a little too much.

"You sound almost gleeful at my pain, dear sister." Kathryn said with a laugh but Phoebe must have caught the note of hurt for she suddenly turned serious.

"Not at your pain Kathryn, never at that. I'm just really, really happy to have my sister back."

Kathryn reached up to put her arms around her younger sister, "Ive been back for ages now."

"No. Captain Janeway came back, but Kathryn has been hiding out on us. It's good to see you sis, I was getting worried you'd left her in the delta quadrant."

Kathryn eyes filled with tears. She thought she had been covering up her unease quite well but she had in fact been fooling no one. Not her mother, not Phoebe, not Troi and not Chakotay. His appearances at her side, coffee in hand whenever she stepped out of her counselling sessions were too regular to be coincidence. What surprised her was that such mollycoddling would normally have been like a red flag to a bull, yet whenever he did all she had felt was…what? Relief?

"You're not going to start bawling again are you?" Phoebe asked, a sparkle in her eye as Kathryn pulled away.

"Bog off Phoebes."

"That's my girl. They'll be here any second. Are you sure you want to do this now?"

"I'd better, don't you think?"

Phoebe patted her arm in support. "I could call you-know-who too."

Kathryn rolled her eyes again at her sister's lack of subtlety. "No, let me do this first. The other will keep for now."

"You sure?"

Kathryn's reply was cut off by the door alarm. She looked at Phoebe who gave her a reassuring pat on the arm before heading to the door.

She returned with a strangely hesitant guest.

"Hello Kathryn."

"Hello Counsellor."

"I didn't expect to hear from you today."

"But you expected to hear from me?"

"Eventually."

Kathryn nodded and indicated for her guest to sit. Troi sat across from her on the couch.

"I was going to apologise for the way I acted today but I rather got the impression that my reaction was what you were aiming for." Kathryn said calmly.

Troi inclined her head at Kathryn's words.

"Would you like something to drink Counsellor?" Phoebe asked.

"A hot chocolate would be perfect thank you." Troi replied and Kathryn smirked at her choice. The woman was as addicted to chocolate as she was to coffee.

Phoebe left to fetch Troi's drink but not before giving an encouraging smile to Kathryn.

Kathryn looked down at her hands, she knew what she had to do but it was still difficult. She had been so used to keeping everything to herself that opening up to anyone, even after her 'breakdown', was going to be a trial.

"We don't have to do this now Kathryn." Troi said and Kathryn tried not to be annoyed at the sympathy in her tone.

"I need to get this out." Kathryn said, she sat up against the cushions, her hand coming forward to massage her temples. She laughed. "Im not sure where to start."

"Redemption." Troi said simply.

"Redemption?" Kathryn queried.

"Is that not where we should start?"

Kathryn looked at Troi, the Betazoid's eyes really were the darkest, calming pools she had ever seen. She nodded at Troi.

"My mother reminded me of a story earlier. I was a child, no more than 7 or 8. I had been playing with my friend Hobbes in the meadow but we were both bored. I suggested that we climb my tree. I had climbed the tree so many times I could do it in my sleep. I never climbed to the top only to my 'thinking branch', it was high enough for me. Hobbes agreed, but he had never climbed the tree before and he decided to climb all the way to the top. The inevitable happened. He slipped and fell and broke his arm. I was devastated. I blamed myself as if I hadn't suggested we climb the tree, he wouldn't have done and he would never have broken his arm."

"But it was his decision to climb to the top."

"That's what my mother said at the time, but I still felt guilty. So the next day I climbed to the top of the tree. But I didn't fall. I did the same the next day and the day after, but I never fell. Then one day, months later, I was out on my hoverboard and I fell off. I broke my foot. Mother said she had never seen such pleasure over a broken foot."

"Even after all that time you wanted to share Mark's pain because you felt responsible for it?"

"Exactly."

"It is a trait that has remained with you?" Troi asked but Kathryn knew it was more of a statement.

"Survivors guilt. I felt it when the Cardassions tortured Admiral Paris and left me alone. And then when my father and fiance died, I couldn't believe I survived. I didn't want to be the survivor, I wanted to be the saviour."

"So you switched to Command."

Kathryn nodded, "Daddy and Justin were my heroes. I thought that the least I could do was try to emulate them, seeing as they gave their lives for mine. I thought command would give me redemption."

"And then came the delta quadrant." Troi encouraged.

"Again, I survived when others died."

"You were also the Ocampan's saviour."

Kathryn shook her head "But at the expense of my own crew, at the expense of the lives we lost in the delta quadrant. My call, my responsibility."

"You sacrificed a lot to bring this crew home Kathryn. And you faced dangers as any Starfleet officer would. But you never _owed_ them every aspect of your life."

"Didn't I? I am their Captain, I would give my life for them."

"Martyrs would die for a cause but a true hero would choose to live for one."

"I don't feel I deserve to be a hero."

"Well that's just tough." Troi said simply.

"Is that your professional opinion." Kathryn laughed, pleased that Troi had broken some of the tension.

"Kathryn, you are a woman of flesh and blood. You are flawed. You are far, far from being perfect."

"Thanks," Kathryn snorted.

"But you are a great leader." Troi said softly.

"I never wanted to be."

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

"Shakespeare. Which of the three am I?"

"All three."

Kathryn chuckled before continuing, "I never dealt with my guilt over stranding Voyager in the delta quadrant. There was never time. The one time there was…"

"The void."

"I had time to think. Time to feel sorry for everything we had sacrificed in not using that damn array to get home, time to question, time to feel."

"Time to find redemption."

"Yes. You know, I would have stranded myself in that void and I would have been just as happy as I was when I broke my foot."

"That's not exactly healthy Kathryn." Troi said seriously.

"No it's not. Maybe you should rule me unfit for duty." Kathryn wasn't sure whether being relieved of duty would be a good thing or not.

"You came out the other side."

"Did I? Take my behaviour during the Equinox fiasco - I could have killed my entire crew." Kathryn felt her face go hot with shame at the memory.

"Ah Ransom was your whale, Captain Ahab."

"Moby Dick?" Kathryn queried, unsure as to where Troi was taking the allusion.

"When you met Ransom, here was another person who had failed to get their crew home. A Federation Captain, your crews could be merged, the responsibility shared, the burden halved."

"When I found out the truth about what they had done, I was so angry, but I also felt completely betrayed."

"No wonder. You had merged a crew of Starfleet and Maquis. You ran as a Starfleet. You upheld the prime directive. You sacrificed your personal happiness for the benefit of the crew and here was another Captain, wearing the same uniform, who had made the same commitment to Starfleet, betraying everything Starfleet and the Federation are meant to stand for."

"Yes."

"While your actions did not exactly cover you in glory, I think they are understandable. And so does Starfleet. Your crew still chose to follow you Captain.

"That's what Chakotay said." Kathryn said quietly.

"Have you told any of this to Chakotay?"

"Bits. I think he's connected most of the dots. He's a good First Officer."

"He's a good friend."

"Yes. Yes he is."

=/\=

"So Tom's dad reckons the briefings will be over soon." B'Elanna said, hope coursing through her tone rather than conviction.

"We can only hope." Chakotay replied. He shared B'Elanna's frustrations although felt ungrateful for doing so. Starfleet could have made the whole experience so much worse, but even so, it was time to move on. Chakotay wanted to look to the future, not to the past.

"Have you got any plans after Starfleet cut us loose for leave?" B'Elanna asked as she swapped Miral from one shoulder to another.

"No definite plans. I would like to go to Trebus, visit my family and some old friends." Chakotay replied as he reached out to stroke Miral's cheek. Her chubby cheek soft under his finger, he still found it amazing that the brash young woman he had met all those years ago was now a wife and mother. And fulfilling those roles brilliantly.

"Mike's idea is great isn't it?"

"Mike?" Chakotay asked, distracted by the baby.

"Yes. Ayala. Didn't he come up with the idea?"

"B'Elanna, you've lost me."

"About us all going to Trebus."

Chakotay was nonplussed. "You'd better start from the beginning."

"Ayala called us a few weeks ago. A lot of the crew were talking about doing something positive with their leave. A few just want to be with their families but a lot are already going stir crazy. Gerron suggested doing something in memorial of the Maquis and Starfleet officers who lost their lives during the war. When Mike got back to Trebus he realised there was a perfect place in need of a helping hand that doubles up as a beach paradise. Nearly all the crew have signed up to go out there for a couple of weeks and Starfleet have offered us a ship to take us there."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"He's been trying to get hold of you but then he said he had told the Captain, which to him was as good as telling you himself. We all just assumed she had spoken to you about it."

Chakotay put his hand to his head and huffed a laugh. He had been avoiding Ayala's calls, not wanting to talk about Kathryn and now he felt embarrassed for doing so. Her comments about Trebus though now became clear. It wasn't just Kathryn that Ayala had invited to Trebus, it was the whole damn crew. That put a much different spin on everything.

"Chakotay? You ok?" B'Elanna asked looking at him in confusion and turning her concerned gaze to Tom who walked in from the kitchen.

"Dinners nearly ready. Everything ok?" Tom asked.

"Yes. Sorry, everything's fine. It is a great idea, come to think about it the Captain did mention something about going to Trebus but I didn't realise the whole crew was going."

"Thought you had her all to yourself did you big guy?" laughed Tom clapping a hand on his shoulder and leading him to the dining table.

Chakotay, wisely, chose to not answer and changed the subject towards Starfleet's request for Tom's help to design an upgrade to the delta flyer. He studiously ignored B'Elanna's gaze but when Tom had finished updating Chakotay and went to put the baby down in her crib he couldn't avoid her for much longer.

She was looking at him with a barely concealed smirk.

"What?"

"You're an idiot."

"Thank you. Can I ask why?"

"Lots of reasons. Seven of Nine is one. What were you thinking?"

Chakotay was shocked that B'Elanna had brought his failed dalliance up, he had hoped that they had an unspoken agreement to never mention it.

"Do we have to talk about this now?" Chakotay replied.

"Talk about what?" Asked Tom as he retook his seat, intrigued by Chakotay's sigh in response and B'Elanna's laugh.

"Chakotay and his terrible taste in women."

"Seven you mean. Yeah, what was with that?"

"Midlife crisis if you ask me." B'Elanna said.

"It wasn't a midlife crisis." Chakotay said defensively, wishing for the floor to suddenly swallow him up.

"Well you certainly weren't thinking rationally." B'Elanna argued.

"She was very sweet and in different circumstances I think it could have worked."

"Really? Are you telling me that in another universe _S__even _is the love of your life?"

Chakotay was stumped at that one. Love of his life?

"Im just glad she came to her senses before you made a fool of yourself." B'Elanna said in her matter-of-fact tone. Chakotay tried not to bristle at the insinuation but deep down he knew B'Elanna was right. Seven was attractive, bright, funny at times and had a sweet innocence to her that had suprised him. He was lonely, and the thought of a further thirty years as a bachelor had filled him with dread. There were not many people he could have a relationship with but Seven's position in the crew, with her not being a Starfleet officer, meant she was the only viable option. It sounded quite cold and calculating now that Chakotay thought about it.

B'Elanna was still waiting for his response but before he could open his mouth he was interrupted by the chirp of the Paris' comm system.

Tom got up to answer it and beckoned Chakotay over.

It was the Captain.

"I thought I might find you here." Kathryn said and Chakotay couldn't hide his surprise.

"Kathryn-" Chakotay began but she held up a hand.

"I've just had some good news. Starfleet have decided that the briefings will end next week."

Kathryn grinned and Chakotay noted that despite the obvious tiredness, the tense set of her jaw that Kathryn had been sporting since their return had gone. Her eyes sparkled.

"That's fabulous news, any idea why?"

Kathryn shrugged, "I think they feel they've gained as much knowledge as they can from debriefing the crew. The pathfinder project will continue to explore all the data we collected during our seven years out there. But for us, it's time to move on.

"So will the senior staff be free to finally go on their leave?" Tom asked hopefully.

"Yes Tom, you can finally break out the Hawaiian shirts," Kathryn said with a laugh, "Starfleet is keen to support Ayala's plans for Trebus. The Enterprise has kindly offered to be an escort for anyone who would like to travel there. Suggestion is to head out next month after we've all had a bit of down time. Tom, do you think the rest of the crew would be ok with that?"

"Aye, aye Captain. They've been chomping at the bit to go but I think they would want to wait for the senior staff."

"Excellent, we've got a lot to organise. Ayala has sent a needs assessment to Starfleet and Starfleet have agreed to provide any resources necessary."

"That's impressive. I hope this is not just some PR exercise though, there are plenty of worlds that could do with help." Chakotay said thoughtfully.

"Starfleet are very impressed with the work Ayala has done so far. They've asked him to head up a team, charged with contacting the border colonies to see how Starfleet can be of assistance in rebuilding their infrastructure."

"Wow, that's great. Good on Mike." Tom said and Kathryn grinned back, her pride in Ayala's work evident.

"So the last briefings." Chakotay said, bringing the conversation back to the matter at hand.

"Yes, followed by a ceremony where I will be officially relieved of Voyager's command."

Silence greeted the Captain's comment. For all their joy, for all the future now presented them, the idea of their mission finally being over brought with it more than a hint of saddness. Chakotay looked at the Captain and wished he was looking at her in the flesh instead of via the view screen.

"Captain, why don't you come over? Tom's cooked more than enough food. We can celebrate." B'Elanna said and Chakotay held his breath waiting for the inevitable excuse from the Captain. He watched Kathryn pause, obviously trying to think of a reasonable explanation as to why she couldn't possibly -

"I'd love to. Give me ten minutes to clean up and Ill beam over. Janeway out."

Chakotay stared at the screen in shock. He looked at Tom who was also a little surprised at the Captain's readiness to come over. B'Elanna however just a had a small smile on her face.

"Don't look so surprised boys. She hasn't seen Miral in days. She will be having withdrawal symptoms by now."

With that B'Elanna turned to the kitchen to get some more food for the Captain and Chakotay smiled himself.

"What do you say to opening up a bottle of champagne? I think we need to celebrate." Tom said as he clapped a hand on Chakotay's shoulder.

"Good idea Tom," Chakotay replied as he turned to glance back at the view screen where Kathryn had just disappeared, "I think we've got a lot to celebrate."

=/\=


	6. Chapter 6

Authors note: I am sorry for the delay in updating. I know where I want this story to go but I had a bit of difficulty connecting the dots. I hope to have this story wrapped up soon. Thanks again for all your comments.

Chapter 6

As Kathryn reclined in the Treban sun she had to admit to feeling an unfamiliar sense of contentment. The months since Voyager's return had been a rollercoaster of emotions but Kathryn felt that she now had a grip on the demons that had plagued her since, well if she were being honest, since as long as she could remember.

The journey towards Trebus had been a good one, it had been an opportunity to get re-acquainted with the Voyager crew who had decided to join the mission to Trebus and Kathryn couldn't deny that it had been long overdue.

Although Kathryn had to admit she was not fond of travelling on a starship she didn't command, even if that starship was the good ship Enterprise. She wondered what Troi would make of that. Part of her innate desire to lead perhaps? _More likely I'm just a control freak, _Kathryn thought sardonically.

Following the end of the debriefings, when the commendations had been handed out along with a few overdue promotions (for some at least, there was one promotion in particular that Kathryn had her doubts about), Kathryn had been kidnapped by the Janeway clan to spend a good few weeks travelling the best Earth had to offer. It hadn't been in complete quarantine however, when Kathryn arrived in Paris she invited Tom and B'Elanna to play pool in Sandrines - the original no less. She invited the Doctor when she got tickets to the Royal Opera House in London, Seven accompanied her to Stockholm, Harry to Moscow to watch the symphony orchestra. Mark and his wife agreed to meet her in Egypt and she didn't hesitate to extend the invitation to Chakotay. Chakotay had also met her for a morning swim in the Gulf of Mexico as they had planned years before on Voyager.

All in all it had been a successful few weeks, the Voyager crew finally getting the opportunity to let their collective hair down after months of debriefings.

The last few days in particular, since beaming down from the Enterprise to Trebus, had been wonderful. The tribal leaders had welcomed the contingent with open arms. Ayala's team of Starfleet and former Maquis alike had made huge strides in repairing the planet's infrastructure and the Voyager crew had been only too happy to muck in wherever they were needed. She and B'Elanna had already successfully improved efficiency of the planets power supply and were now tasked with making sure all the outlying settlements were connected.

It had been emotional to watch Chakotay return 'home' to his friends and family. She knew that the last time he had been here, he had lost nearly everything that had mattered to him. She knew that to return now, just as the planet was rising from ashes, had given Chakotay a sense of closure he had never found before.

"Comfy?"

Kathryn squinted her eyes against the bright sun to see the outline of her first officer (former first officer?) her vision clearing as he crouched down next to her blocking the sun. She had to admit that a few days in the sun had done wonders for Chakotay. Together with his trim physique, the healthy glow that radiated from him almost took her breath away.

"I cannot tell you just how wonderfully relaxed I am right now."

Chakotay grinned at her, "I could tell."

"I hope you are not here to ruin my mood Chakotay. Its going to take a planet wide emergency to get me to move."

Chakotay hesitated with a frown and a feeling of frustration bubbled in her until he broke out in another grin and she slapped his chest.

"Don't toy with me mister or Ill bust you down to Ensign."

"The Admiral bar hasn't exactly improved you, has it?"

Kathryn laughed and indicated for him to take a seat next to her.

"So is B'Elanna still swearing at the power conduits?" Kathryn asked.

Chakotay sighed as he reclined next to Kathryn and she tried to suppress a smile. Hard physical labour was not something the Voyagers were used to and neither of its former command team were as young as they used to be.

"Swearing, bashing, kicking, throwing. Tom's taken her off to spend some time with Miral down by the shore. The conduits are shot in my opinion, Ayala's been on to Starfleet and they are going to send a supply ship in the next couple of days."

Kathryn nodded, "Mike's really come into his own hasn't he?"

Kathryn watched with interest as Chakotay merely shrugged, "He always had the ability to lead but he was never comfortable with the idea of power. He preferred being the man behind the man - or woman before you bite my head off."

"Are you two having some sort of disagreement?" Kathryn asked him and tried not to smile as he whipped his head toward her.

"No. Why on earth would you think that?" Chakotay asked incredulously.

"You've known each other a long time, you used to count him among your closest friends but I don't think you've said more than two words to each other unless it was to do with one of the projects."

"We're fine. Both been busy really."

Kathryn wasn't convinced but she got that Chakotay was not in the mood to discuss it further. She had a hunch why Ayala was avoiding him but she couldn't work out why Chakotay was doing the same.

"Did you see Tom's designs for the Treban Flyer?" Kathryn asked, steering the conversation to safer topics.

Chakotay relaxed at once and Kathryn was even more determined to find out just what was going on between the two old friends.

"Looks fabulous, considering its size it should be economical on power and fast."

"I know I've already had Starfleet on at me to get him to agree to take on the shuttle programme."

"Do you think he will?"

"I don't think he's in any rush to make his mind up but I know that he and B'Elanna are not quite ready to go back on ship. A planet-side appointment might be a good fit while Miral is so young."

Chakotay nodded thoughtfully, "I think being on Earth is going to be a good fit for a few of us. I know I'm not in any rush to head to back into space for the time being."

"Funny isn't it? For both of us space is what we lived for, what we built our lives around. And here we are, sand beneath our feet, the shore ahead of us and I wouldn't swap it for anything."

"Perhaps we'll get bored eventually and we'll have to steal a ship to start exploring the outer reaches of the beta quadrant."

"Only if I get to be Captain."

"You wouldn't serve under me?" Chakotay said with a wink.

"One of the nice things about being an Admiral…" Kathryn started before Chakotay interrupted.

"Is that you can keep some things to yourself?"

"Exactly."

Chakotay smiled at her, "So after a hard day," he started with a raised eyebrow, which Kathryn responded to with an eye roll, "How about dinner?"

"I cant. I'm sorry I already have plans," Kathryn replied with genuine regret, "Rain check?"

Chakotay nodded and Kathryn couldn't help but feel a bit guilty for blowing him off but she already had a date to keep and considering very recent events she was reluctant to break it. And if her request contained a slight hint of payback for the numerous rain checks he had asked her to keep during their last few weeks on Voyager, well she was only human.

=/\=

Chakotay rolled his shoulders as he stepped out into the Treban dusk. He hated to admit it but the physicality of the work he had done throughout the day was making itself known through the ache in his muscles. It was a satisfying ache, rather than painful but still a reminder that he wasn't as young as he used to be. Certainly not as young as he was when he had last visited his home planet. Those memories seemed an age away and yet he remembered them all with a startling clarity.

He was proud of the work that Ayala and the team had completed so far, and proud that he and the rest of the crew were now able to share in it. For Chakotay the project was like coming full circle. When he had last set eyes on Trebus he was beginning a journey filled with destruction, division and war. Yet here he was, seven years and a delta quadrant adventure later, rebuilding, united with Starfleet again under the banner of peace.

He smiled as he surveyed the bustle of the market place. Old friends and new, mixing together. Enjoying the relative peace after a hard days graft. He knew he should really seek out Ayala, as Kathryn had pointed out to him they hadn't had the chance to talk properly since his arrival. It was important for Chakotay to tell him just how proud of him he was, of the success he had achieved already.

"Hey big guy, you coming to the barbecue?" Tom called, distracting Chakotay from his reverie. Tom was beaming with young Miral snoozing in his arms. Dressed in his favourite 20th Century Hawaiian gear, Tom was obviously taking the opportunity to indulge his favoured dress sense to suit the Treban climate.

"In a bit, was just looking for Ayala." Chakotay replied and Tom raised his eyebrow.

"Think he is otherwise occupied at the moment, if you catch my drift. He was off on a hot date when I saw him a minute ago."

Chakotay smiled back at Tom, "Sounds like Mike, Ill tag along with you then if you don't mind."

"Don't mind at all, although you couldn't do me a favour? I've left Miral's blanket at the camp, you couldn't grab it for me could you? She'll need it when the sun finally goes down."

Chakotay agreed and headed back towards camp where the Voyager crew had set up residence. The grey Starfleet cabins reminded Chakotay of his short stay on new earth. He couldn't imagine why Starfleet couldn't come up with more creative colours for their temporary accommodation units.

As he walked in between the cabins he heard the unmistakeable dulcet tones of his (former?) commanding officer. Funny. He thought that when she said she already had plans, she had meant the group barbecue that he had forgotten about. He moved nearer.

"I wish you would let me speak to him." He heard Kathryn say.

"No. Its my place." And that was most definitely Mike. Kathryn was Mike's 'hot date'?

"I don't know why you are so reluctant. He would only be happy."

"Would he? I think he's going to string me alive."

"Oh don't be ridiculous."

"I dated a girlfriend of his once when we were teenagers. I've still got the scars to prove that he was a little upset with me." They were talking about _him_?

"He's a grown man. And any way its not really any of his business."

"Look I will speak to him. I'm just waiting for the right time."

"Well I hope it's soon. He is definitely going to be upset if he finds out from someone else."

"I know. Come on. Lets enjoy the evening and Ill deal with Chakotay later."

"Dutch courage?"

"You bet, I've got a bottle of glen moray stashed at the view point. How about we watch the sunset with a wee dram before joining the barbecue?"

As they moved out of the cabin Chakotay retreated behind the neighbouring unit, not wanting to be seen. He was confused at what he had overheard and in a daze he turned to walk to the Paris' residence to retrieve the blanket. He had no idea of what Ayala was so afraid to tell him. And why would he bring up the story about them as teenagers? Its not as if Chakotay had a girlfriend to steal. Unless….

He stopped short and turned to catch a glimpse of Kathryn and Ayala as he led her up the path to the viewpoint. Lovers lane his father used to call it. Chakotay had taken many a young female up the lane to watch the sunset. Was that what Ayala was doing now? Taking his 'hot date' to the most romantic spot in the village. Is that what he was so afraid to tell him? If so Kathryn was right to say that it was not any of his business. They were both free to choose whoever they wished and he would only wish them every happiness.

Really.

He returned to the barbecue deep in thought and waved distractedly at his sister as he sat down opposite her.

"You okay brother?" she asked her concern evident.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" he replied tersely and cringed as she swapped a concerned glance with B'Elanna.

"Sorry. I think I pulled a muscle earlier, its giving me some pain and making me a little grumpy. Not as young as I used to be," he smiled at his sister who seemed satisfied with his explanation and he tried to get into the spirit of the evening.

Twenty minutes later, he was just beginning to relax when he saw Kathryn enter the clearing where the barbecue was being held, with Ayala sneaking, most definitely sneaking, in behind her. Chakotay snorted into his drink. They weren't exactly being discreet about it, how he hadn't spotted it earlier he did not know.

Chakotay sighed in to his drink. He hated secrets. He hated that anyone felt like they had to keep secrets from him. The question was who to approach first? Kathryn or Mike?

"This seat taken?"

Chakotay looked to his left to see Kathryn beaming down at him, indicating to the bench next to him. He nodded his assent with as much of a smile as he could muster.

He couldn't help but watch her during the meal. She shared pleasantries with Sekaya, roared with laughter at something Tom had said and gossiped with B'Elanna. She looked so happy and radiant. So unlike their last few years in the delta quadrant. Gone were the stress lines that had permeated their first few weeks back on earth, Deanna Troi surely deserved a Cochran medal or something. He watched her as she tenderly took Miral from Tom's arms and rocked her to sleep. He felt a wave of compassion for her. She deserved to be happy, deserved to be loved, deserved to be free of the burdens that had plagued her for so long.

The fact she hadn't shared her new relationship with him should not have come as such as shock. He hadn't, he reminded himself, told her of his oh-so-very-short dalliance (B'Elanna's words - not his) with Seven before it ended abruptly. Hadn't he thought that that relationship was the beginning of something serious? And yet he hadn't shared it with any of his friends, not his best friend nor anyone else.

He sighed deeply and shouldn't have been surprised that Kathryn didn't miss it.

"You're thoughtful tonight." It was a generous statement, which really meant he was being miserable and came loaded with an unspoken question. They could communicate without words, always had done. He wondered how long it had taken them to speak in shorthand after they had first met. It seemed looking back, that they had become a formidable partnership overnight. A command duo of the calibre of the best without really trying. Their only real difficulties had come years later, both worn down by the stress of the delta quadrant. But those early days were so seamless. The transition from enemies to comrades should have been a lot more difficult. But it wasn't. It hadn't really been difficult at all.

"Just tired. Feeling a little bit jealous of Miral who can just fall asleep anywhere and everywhere."

Kathryn didn't believe a word of it he knew.

"Although I think it's a good job I went back to get her blanket, its definitely getting chillier." He looked at her, no reaction.

"Thought I heard you actually. Speaking with Mike?" He delivered it calmly.

"Oh?"

"And then I'm pretty sure I saw you headed up lovers lane." Kathryn looked up at him in confusion.

"Lovers…..oh you mean the viewpoint. Yes we toasted the sunset with a glass of Glen Moray. Think I am developing an obsession with the stuff." Kathryn replied and Chakotay had to marvel at her steel, she hadn't flinched or blushed. In fact if anything she sounded a little indifferent.

Miral started squirming in her arms, Tom had been complaining earlier that it seemed that she liked to be walked to sleep. Although Chakotay thought it was probably a ploy by B'Elanna to get Tom to do some exercise. Unlimited replicator power had meant a fair few cheese pizzas since they had got back and it hadn't been doing too well for Tom's figure.

"This one is getting a little restless, I think Ill take a walk," said Kathryn, "Join me?"

Chakotay nodded and got up to follow her. They walked towards the old village square, greeting Voyagers, villagers and volunteers alike along the way.

He couldn't help but notice how natural she looked with Miral. He knew from B'Elanna that her arrival had created a deeper bond between the two women. He wondered if Kathryn regretted never having children of her own. It wasn't something they had ever discussed in great detail. She had made a strange comment after Miral's birth about not deserving something so wonderful, which Chakotay felt hinted at maybe a regret in that regard. Whenever the subject had ever come up before it was always in an offhand manner that she had never had the time or that Paris was more than enough to make up for not having any delinquent offspring.

"You do deserve it you know." Chakotay said, to which Kathryn looked confusedly at.

"Well, that was a non sequitur. Deserve what?"

Chakotay pulled on his ear with a small grin, sometimes their ability to read each others minds was a bit off. He nodded towards Miral. "The day Miral was born, you said that you could never deserve something so wonderful."

Kathryn looked down at Miral and swallowed thickly. Chakotay almost regretted bringing it up until she looked up and smiled brightly.

"It's funny. I never made a decision not to have children. Career, life, a short detour in the delta quadrant," Chakotay couldn't help but smile at that, "It all - got in the way."

"You and Mark never discussed children?"

Kathryn shook her head, "Not really. Only in the abstract, you know 'oh that will be a story to tell our grandchildren'. By the end of our journey - well, I'm not getting any younger. I just sort of accepted that having children wasn't in my future. In a strange, rather unconscious way, perhaps I saw it as my sacrifice, my penance if you will for all I felt guilty for."

"Your tendency for self-sacrifice is not exactly healthy Kathryn."

"That's what Troi said."

"She's right."

"I know." Chakotay looked askance at her, "Okay, I know I should know. I'm getting there."

Chakotay squeezed her shoulder, Kathryn had uncharacteristically shared a lot of what had happened in her counselling sessions with Deanna Troi.

"I am grateful to you Chakotay. I know that there were times I disappointed you. I know I caused damage to our friendship. So to have your support particularly these past few months, means more to me than I could ever tell you."

"I think there were times when we disappointed each other, I don't think I supported you as well as I should have done during our last year or so out there. I promise I will never make you doubt my friendship again."

Kathryn gave him a watery smile, "Oh God, look at me Chakotay. I have become a bumbling bubbling wreck. Whatever happened to my Captain's mask?"

"It's still there. You're just letting Kathryn out for some well deserved fresh air. But if you need to exercise those command muscles, I'll be happy to set you on Tom Paris. He's sure to want to do something ridiculous this evening."

Kathryn laughed lightly at that as she stroke Miral's cheek. "It's funny isn't it? The masks we wear. The split personalities we inhibit. I'll admit that there were times where I wasn't sure where the Captain ended, if she ever did."

"And I wasn't much help to you. It took someone quite surprising to point out to me that I too had began to take the Captain for granted at the expense of my friend."

"Chakotay, you never -"

"I did Kathryn. And for that I am truly sorry. I'm just grateful that this person gave me the heads up that you may have found returning to the Alpha Quadrant a little difficult to adjust to."

"Deanna?" Kathryn asked and Chakotay paused before answering, knowing that if he brought this up now it may lead to a discussion that she may not be ready to have. _Suck it up Chakotay. Let her know its ok for her to live her life._

"Mike actually."

"Ayala? Really?" Kathryn sounded disbelieving, which threw him.

"Really. Remember what I said about Picard? How he told me that the Baku situation had held up a mirror to the Federation? Let's just say that Mike did the same for me and, like the Federation, I didn't like what I saw either."

Kathryn shook her head disbelieving before looking at him with a quizzical eye, "Well that explains a lot."

"Sorry?"

"Mike had been reluctant to share some news with you as he thought he had offended you in some way. He refused to tell me how. B'Elanna was convinced it was something to do with Seven."

Chakotay shook his head, so that was why he hadn't confided in him. "No, not Seven. Although like B'Elanna I don't think he approved."

Kathryn looked offended on his behalf, "It was no ones business but yours Chakotay. And hers. They don't have the right to judge your relationships."

"Maybe not. But they are friends, and he was right. About her and about you. I am just sorry it took someone else to point it out to me."

"I was hardly the most approachable person at the time. You have nothing to be sorry for. You've more than made up for it now. Don't think I haven't noticed your well placed arrival at the transporter station, the mess hall, my office, my mother's house." Kathryn said with a grin to Chakotay's embarrassment.

"I kept expecting you to call me on that. When you didn't, I became even more concerned for your mental health."

"It was a relief."

"What was?"

"You. Being there."

Chakotay felt his heart squeeze at her words and they smiled shyly at each other. And as they did so he was sure he felt the last few scars of their battered relationship heal over completely.

Except.

There was just one last thing.

"Soooo. Are you going to tell me what Mike has been so reluctant to tell me?" Chakotay asked and Kathryn immediately looked guilty.

"Damn. I promised I would not say a word. He wanted to tell you himself."

"Well. Too late now. I think I know most of it anyway." Chakotay said, with as much kindness as he could muster. He was trying very hard not to sound too accusing.

"It's ok you know. The fact that the two people in the world who mean the most to me have found happiness together, I couldn't wish for anything more."

Kathryn looked relieved at his words, "I told him you would think that. For a brave man he's been a real coward about this."

Chakotay forced a smile. He was happy, he was, it was just…really, really strange to imagine. Perhaps he shouldn't try to imagine. That was going down a road of mental images he really did not want in his head.

"Did you know that it will be the 12th Voyager wedding in the last three months?"

_Wedding!_

He started to cough, choking on her words. That was quick!

"Good lord Chakotay are you okay?"

He nodded, trying to get breath back in his lungs, which wasn't being helped by her trying to whack him with one arm, while valiantly holding on to Miral with the other.

"I erm - I hadn't thought it had gotten that far?"

"When its right, its right. They don't want to wait."

"Well of course, but-" He stopped short. _They?_

"I hope you don't mind, but Sekaya asked me to officiate. I'm telling you Chakotay I'm giving up Starfleet, I don't have the time with all these weddings!" Kathryn laughed, rocking Miral as she did so.

_Sekaya. Sekaya and Mike. _

Chakotay started to laugh, a real belly laugh so loud that Kathryn had to put her hands over Miral's ears.

"What's so funny?" she asked, a little indignant.

He waved at her, at a loss to explain his own embarrassment. Sekaya and Mike. How on earth had he not seen that?

"I'm just imagining Mike. Too afraid to tell the big brother in case he got beaten up."

Kathryn looked relieved, probably that he wasn't laughing at the idea of her officiating at his sister's wedding.

"He kept telling us that the first rule of friendship was not to make a move on a friends sister." Kathryn said.

Chakotay continued to chuckle trying to put it all together. Wait a minute -

He looked at her with suspicion, "Just how long have you known about this?"

Kathryn grinned, "The welcome home ball. There was a certain fission in the air between them. He confessed all in the mess hall, you remember, he was showing us photos of his boys' graduation."

It all clicked into place. That was the strange look he thought he had seen. But instead of disappointment it was fear. That was why he had avoided him, choosing to send messages through Kathryn or the Parises. On top of their argument on Voyager, to then come to him and ask him for his blessing…poor Mike. Poor, poor Mike. And Kathryn, yet again the first to know every single piece of gossip.

"Sekaya's been in bits, but Mike refused to let us say a word. But I knew you would figure it out." Kathryn said.

She had far, far too much faith in him.

"So your trip up lovers lane this evening?" He asked her.

She smiled brightly, "Dutch courage. Sekaya had had enough, gave him an ultimatum."

Chakotay was smiling so hard, his cheeks started to ache.

"I am glad you are happy about this." Kathryn said.

"Kathryn, truly I could not be happier." He grinned at her. "What do you say to taking Miral back to her parents before I give Mike a hard time for being such a coward?"

"Chakotay. Your poor sister has been through enough. How about we take Miral back, you congratulate your sister on finding lifelong happiness and then, only then, will I let you publicly embarrass her fiancé."

"You're the Admiral." Chakotay said with a laugh and put his arm round his former Captain to lead her back to the barbecue. And as she leaned into him, her warmth seeping through to his, he just may have felt the tiniest bit of relief.

=/\=


	7. Chapter 7

Authors notes: So here we are. Finally. I'm almost sad to be posting this. Ive loved writing this story and I have loved receiving your comments, encouragements, suggestions and reviews. I hope you like this chapter and I hope you've enjoyed the story.

Chapter 7

"You cannot be serious."

"Deadly."

"I don't believe it."

"Neither did I, but it's true."

"But..._why_?"

"Apparently they both share a love for Chinese opera."

"The Doctor."

"Yes."

"And Nechayev."

"Yep."

"Having dinner?"

"Indeed."

"Together?"

"No word of a lie."

B'Elanna shook her head in disbelief, "I can't work that one out. Nor can I work out how you are always the first to know any scuttlebutt."

Kathryn smirked at B'Elanna over the rim of her champagne glass, "It's a curse, particularly when I am sworn to secrecy. I can't tell you how relieved I was when Chakotay told me he knew all about Sekaya and Mike."

B'Elanna snorted in derision, "Oh please. Chakotay did not have clue about Sekaya and Mike."

Kathryn looked up at her former chief engineer in confusion, "He did, he was the one who brought it up." Kathryn crinkled her nose as she tried to remember the exact conversation, she was sure –

Kathryn's musings were interrupted by the subject of her conversation, who ambled back to their table groaning with pain as he sat down.

"I thought you said cricket was a nice afternoon gentle sport." Chakotay said to Tom accusingly.

"Maybe I got it confused with something else, like jousting."

Kathryn laughed at them both, "I did try to tell you. Captain Picard is nothing if not competitive."

"I think he threw that ball to me at warp 10!" Tom said indignantly.

"Be that as it may, I don't think the aim of the game is to run away from the ball." Kathryn pointed out much to B'Elanna's amusement.

"Oh it's very easy for you to say that, he didn't throw the ball half as hard at you."

Kathryn gave Tom a wicked grin, "He _bowled _that ball just as hard at me as he did you. It's not my fault that cricket is yet another sport which you have difficulty mastering."

Kathryn arched her eyebrow as B'Elanna snorted into her champagne glass, amused that the non-synthehol Chateau Picard appeared to have gone to normally fearsome half Klingon's head.

"Attractive dear," Tom said with some sarcasm, which Kathryn thought was brave. B'Elanna may be tipsy but, well, it was still B'Elanna.

"How many runs did you get flyboy?" B'Elanna retorted, recovering her equilibrium with impressive speed.

"He threw a missile at me B'Elanna. Not a cricket ball, a MISSILE." Tom replied sulkily. "I think I've pulled something too."

"There, there honey. How about we go back to the hotel, ease the muscles in the sonic shower before getting ready for tonight." Kathryn looked up at B'Elanna, the alcohol must have definitely gone to her head, she almost seemed sympathetic to Tom's sportsman's woes.

"...and then the Admiral can kick your ass at pool when we get to Sandrines."

Kathryn laughed at Tom's pathetic face as B'Elanna hauled him to his feet.

"We'll see you in Marseille about 9?"

Kathryn, still laughing, could only nod as she watched them out the door.

"Is it me or have you and Torres been partaking of Chateau Picard while the rest of the crew have been dodging Picard missiles for the past two hours?" Chakotay asked as Kathryn smirked at him.

"It was all for good cause." Kathryn defended although she could tell Chakotay wasn't buying it.

"It was strange really, how after a 70 odd run partnership, you and B'Elanna both got out within two balls of each other."

"Fate, Captain Chakotay. You cannot argue with the sporting gods."

"Anyone would think the legendarily competitive Kathryn Janeway had thrown her innings?" Kathryn didn't like the know-all grin on her former XO's face. "I'm starting to wonder if you've been taken over by some alien influence."

"B'Elanna needed rescuing," Kathryn confessed, "It's the first time she and Tom have left Miral overnight and I knew if I didn't get her to loosen up, Owen was probably going murder her. She called them every five minutes before the match."

Chakotay grimaced at her, they both knew that B'Elanna was a notoriously protective first-time mother, which was probably why Owen had sent Kathryn a message to do everything in her power to get her to relax. Alcohol was the only option she could think of (and cricket had bored her to tears anyway) so she had whispered 'champagne' to her former chief engineer and indicated the roof-top balcony, overlooking the ancient Lords ground where the game was being played. Apparently it was a historical marvel according to Tom. B'Elanna had readily agreed, so they took a couple of wild swings at the ball which had missed terribly, pilfered a couple of bottles and made their way to the rooftop.

"And anyway," Kathryn continued, "I thought the Enterprise crew could do with a win."

"It's been a long few months for them." Chakotay agreed

Kathryn nodded, it had been a rollercoaster of emotions for Picard and his crew recently and Kathryn had felt deeply for them. The high of Will and Deanna's wedding had been followed swiftly by the Romulan crisis and Data's death. The Rikers' departure for the Titan and Romulus had coincided with Crusher's posting to Starfleet medical, leaving Picard bereft of the majority of his senior staff for the first time in nearly 15 years.

"It's remarkable really," Kathryn began after a few minutes of silence, "To keep a senior staff intact for such a long time. I don't think anyone else has managed to do that since Kirk's time." Kathryn mused.

"We didn't do too badly." Chakotay replied.

"We didn't have much choice really, stranded 75,000 light years from home."

"Yes I suppose our only option would have been to swap Voyager for the Kazon."

"Or the Vidians." Chakotay shuddered at that and Kathryn laughed at him.

"We did meet some nice people along the way." Chakotay offered.

"Oh yes, I do seem to remember you getting up close and personal with a member of species 8472."

Chakotay looked offended, "They were big grasshoppers. I like to think that I only got up close and personal with a hologram and anyway," Chakotay gave her a look that she couldn't define, "I wasn't the only one to do that."

"Touché, Captain."

"Anyway, getting back to our original conversation," Kathryn laughed at Chakotay's redirection, "I heard rumours that a certain Head of Starfleet Medical is thinking of requesting re-assignment."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow, she'd only just received the request from Beverley Crusher that morning and had been sworn to secrecy. Crusher had wanted to surprise Jean Luc and from the looks they had been giving each other all day, her re-assignment wasn't the only thing she wanted to surprise him with.

"How did you know that?" Kathryn asked in amazement as Chakotay rolled his eyes.

"You're not the only one to know all the gossip."

"Seriously Chakotay, how?"

"I didn't until just now."

"What?"

"The Doctor had heard rumours that a vacancy was coming up, you've just confirmed it."

She threw a napkin at him, annoyed with herself for being so easy and annoyed at Chakotay for his self satisfied grin. He offered her a top-up of champagne in a gesture of peace that Kathryn was only too ready to accept before filling a glass for himself.

"So Sandrines this evening?" Chakotay asked, settling back in his chair and gazing out over the expansive grounds of Lords, a beat of sweat at his temple an indication of his cricket endeavours, which Kathryn knew better than to comment on. Neither of them were getting any younger after all.

"Yes, I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate Prixin and the Enterprise crew were looking for an excuse to all get together before shipping out next week." Kathryn replied.

"I spoke to Will earlier. He and Deanna were a little bit jealous of our plans." Chakotay said.

"I know," Kathryn sighed, "I had hoped we could have called the Titan back by now but the negotiations are at such a critical stage. I didn't dare suggest to Hayes that we haul the Titan back just so they could take part in a cricket match."

"I don't know," Chakotay laughed, "Bill Hayes is enjoying himself umpiring out there. Seems to be the type of man that would throw off a quadrant-wide peace process for the sake of a sports match."

Kathryn chuckled with him, Chakotay probably more close to the truth than he realised. All her life she had looked up to Admirals, believing them to be all wise, committed and decent. Many were, but it had shocked her to learn just how many had made Admiral without any obvious human skills whatsoever.

Kathryn had been reluctant to take the promotion initially. She had only just begun to acclimatise to being back in the alpha quadrant, her counselling sessions with Deanna had helped her to shake off the shackles of guilt she had worn for decades. To then be asked to take on the huge responsibility of the Admiralty seemed a step too far, too soon. Her mother had worried that given Kathryn's predisposition for guilt, the promotion could be a step back in her 'recovery'. Admirals had ultimate responsibility but none of the opportunity to take action. There would be no self sacrifice to the borg or a void.

So when she found herself issuing orders to Picard, which had nearly resulted in an alpha quadrant-wide disaster, she waited for the guilt to arrive. She waited for the dark cloud of depression. She waited. But it never came.

Of course she had felt bad about Data's death, she mourned the loss of such an inspirational and unique Starfleet officer and she took the responsibility for her decision as an Admiral should. But she didn't take the guilt. When she discussed this epiphany with Deanna, the counsellor, despite suffering her own grief and regrets, had smiled. She didn't have to say anything. Kathryn knew that she was not miraculously cured, but she could begin to see her command, and command decisions in a more rational light again. It had been a long time since she had been able to do that.

Kathryn looked over at her friend who was sipping champagne and watching the closing moments of the match. It looked like the Enterprise was winning. _Damn_ thought Kathryn,_ I hate to lose._

Chakotay had been part of the task force at HQ when the Enterprise had met with Shinzon. He had impressed at Starfleet, leaving Owen Paris to guess at how long it would be until they offered the newly promoted Captain a further promotion. Kathryn had contacted him often, needed a sounding board after a day of heavy negotiations, which Chakotay – the master tactician – was able to provide.

Once the roadmap to peace had been signed, Kathryn had left the final negotiations in the capable hands of Captain Riker and the diplomatic team, chaired by Ambassador Spock. The Romulans had appreciated her involvement, she was largely un-tainted by the Dominion War and recent Federation scandals. Her delta quadrant heroics had not gone unnoticed by the empire and were a key component to getting them to agree to sit round the table.

"I don't know about Paris, I think you're going to have to kick Picard's ass at pool." Chakotay said, bringing Kathryn out of her reverie.

Kathryn looked down to where the Enterprise team were celebrating, Picard waving a make-shift trophy made by the Voyager and Enterprise kids up to the balcony.

"Damn right I will. I'm all for building morale but we wouldn't want them to get too cocky, would we?" Kathryn replied as she graciously waved back with her trademark half grin.

Chakotay laughed, "Right as ever Admiral."

Kathryn looked up at the chronometer, "OK, we have four hours until we are due at Sandrines. You feel like dinner before we go?"

She rolled her eyes at Chakotay's face, "Don't look so worried. _You_ can replicate, I'll make the coffee."

After saying their goodbyes to Picard and the rest of the two crews, Kathryn and Chakotay exited the Lords ground and beamed to the Marseille transporter station a few minutes from their hotel.

"How was Will when you spoke to him?" Kathryn asked as she slipped her arm through Chakotay's.

"Pretty good. He's hoping that they will be able to wrap things up in the next few weeks. We spoke about drawing Tarek into the discussions more."

"Good idea."

"You still thinking of accompanying President Bacco out there?"

"I think Owen should go, he and Ambassador Spock have done a lot of the leg work. Tarek respects him."

"He respects you too."

Kathryn shrugged, she wasn't interested in claiming the glory for a historic pact with the Romulan Empire, she just wanted it done. The Titan had been out there long enough, she was looking forward to giving the order to bring her home.

As they entered Kathryn's hotel suite, she almost sighed in relief. The champagne had gone to her head. She headed straight to the replicator for her coffee, arching an eyebrow at Chakotay's look as she took her first sip.

"What?"

He smirked at her, "I'd love a cup. Thank you for offering."

Kathryn blushed slightly before rolling her eyes at him, "You know where the replicator is. Anyway your cream and sugar concoction might make me gag."

Chakotay laughed as he brushed past her to start replicating his own coffee and a plate of food for them both.

Minutes later, Kathryn almost inhaled her plate, hungrier than she had been expecting and looked up to see Chakotay barely containing a chuckle at her.

"That's what you get for having liquid lunch."

"It was all in a good cause."

"Looked like an excuse to drink and gossip to me," Chakotay quipped.

"I didn't say that the good cause didn't have a silver lining..."

"So what were you gossiping about anyway?"

"The Doctor." Kathryn said smugly as she took a sip of her coffee and could have sworn that Chakotay almost leaned eagerly towards her.

"The Doctor and...?" Chakotay pressed.

"Nechayev."

"No way."

"Yes."

"I don't believe you."

"Neither did B'Elanna." Kathryn chuckled at Chakotay's perplexed face.

"How do you-" Chakotay started before Kathryn interrupted.

"Its a curse Chakotay, I tell you. Which reminds me," Kathryn began before mirroring Chakotay's pose, leaning across the table. "You caught me out over Dr Crusher earlier, did you catch me out over Mike and Sekaya too?"

Kathryn was immediately suspicious when Chakotay appeared suddenly awkward.

"What do you mean?"

"At the barbecue, you said that you knew about Sekaya and Mike. But B'Elanna said earlier that you didn't have a clue."

Chakotay's tell, the awkward pulling of his earlobe, was in full force, but Kathryn's amusement at finding she had been caught out was mixed with confusion.

"I had guessed that Mike was seeing someone, but I may not have known that it was Sekaya." Chakotay admitted.

"And you accuse me of 'wheedling'?! That was sneaky Chakotay." Chakotay shrugged and Kathryn was further confused at how awkward he seemed. She replayed the conversation over in her head.

"You said you couldn't be happier for them. That for the two people closest to you or something to find each other. Who did you think Mike was dating?"

Kathryn leaned even closer to him over the table and caught his blush.. Chakotay coughed awkwardly, resolutely looking anywhere than at Kathryn.

"You didn't think it was Harry did you?" she asked, attempting to get some kind of response out of him.

It did the trick and he laughed out loud before finally looking her in the eye.

Kathryn watched as he took a deep breath.

"In my defence," he began, "You had been spending a lot of time with him."

Kathryn blinked at him.

"Me?" she asked incredulously.

=/\=

Chakotay had never felt so embarrassed and found himself wishing for a planet wide emergency so that he could escape. Kathryn was still looking at him with her eyes wide. Her mind obviously playing back the discussion, but with a whole new context to it.

He waited.

He watched as she leaned back in her chair never taking her eyes off him. He catalogued that look a long time ago. She was weighing up her options, trying to figure out how best to negotiate these murky waters.

She opened her mouth to speak but quickly changed her mind. This intrigued him, surely he should be the one that was embarrassed, but Kathryn almost seemed nervous.

"You gave your blessing." Kathryn said suddenly.

"Excuse me?" Chakotay responded, unsure of where she was going.

"Before I let slip that it was Sekaya and Mike, you gave the relationship your blessing."

Chakotay nodded, "Of course I did. Whatever makes you happy. You did the same for me."

Kathryn nodded back, again he sensed the hesitation in her, "What is it?" he pressed.

"At the barbecue, you seemed so down, so unlike how you'd been earlier in the day. I was worried that something had upset you."

Chakotay shifted in his seat, he could wave it away, say it was just memories coming to the fore brought on by being back on Trebus.

"Something had." Chakotay said simply and Kathryn nodded in apparent understanding.

"I can imagine how you felt." Kathryn said, without fanfare and their gazes locked. She was obviously talking about Seven, but they seemed to be saying a lot without saying the words. How often had their relationship been like that, how often had he resorted to ancient legends to explain his feelings?

Maybe it was time to stop.

"As much as I wanted you to be happy. I hated the fact that you had started a new relationship without telling me." Chakotay said.

"Me too." Kathryn replied, never taking her eyes off him.

"You never said anything."

"Neither did you." Kathryn countered.

"So. Can we promise to tell each other whenever we have a significant other?" Chakotay asked with a smile.

"We can," Kathryn said, "Unless..."

"Unless what?" Chakotay asked.

"Unless we don't have to."

Chakotay would have been annoyed at the way they slipped back into cryptic remarks, if he didn't immediately understand what Kathryn was saying.

"Deal." Chakotay replied and watched as Kathryn rose to go to the replicator.

"Two glasses of Chateau Picard champagne." Kathryn requested before offering a glass to Chakotay and indicating the hotel balcony. He followed, as he always did and stopped beside her mimicking her stance with two arms resting on the balcony wall, his glass dangling over the edge from his finger tips.

"Do you remember the last time we stood on a balcony like this?"

"I think I had just been dumped by a girl half my age." Chakotay said to a snort of laughter from Kathryn.

"And I felt like I had the weight of the entire galaxy on my shoulders."

"How do you feel now?" Chakotay asked softly.

"Relieved."

"Relieved about what?"

"Relieved that I've managed to breathe freely for the first time in a long time. Relieved that I no longer have the responsibility of leading a crew through the delta quadrant. Relieved we made it home. Relieved that so far everyone is happy and safe and building their lives. And I'm also relieved that you got dumped by a girl half your age."

Chakotay turned to look at her to see her smiling back at him.

"Well, I'm also relieved at all of the above too. I'm also relieved that Mike Ayala's new wife is my sister and not my Captain."

Kathryn laughed and took a sip of her champagne as she gazed at the lights of Marseille, "I'm not your Captain anymore Chakotay."

"No. No you're not." He said as he too turned to gaze at the horizon. He felt a strange weight lift off him. Almost like he had been holding his breath for the past seven years. Finally vocalising emotions he had never been able to do as honestly as he wanted to before.

He turned back to look at her, a small smile resting on her face. She looked as happy and relaxed as he had ever seen her. She turned to look at him and without fanfare leaned in to kiss him softly. He pulled back to look in her eyes and gently took the champagne glass out of her hand and placed it next to his on the wall. Her eyes followed his hands as he then turned her fully towards him to show her just how relieved he was that she was no longer his Captain.

=/\=

Although they had been to Sandrines on many occasions since their return to the alpha quadrant, Kathryn never failed to be amazed at just how completely Tom's holo programme had managed to capture the atmosphere of the quirky French bar.

If it wasn't for the Enterprise crew mingling with the local patrons and her former crew she could almost believe that she was back on Voyager.

Almost.

The fully alcoholic drink in her hand, her rather inebriated colleagues and her former first officer resting his hand surreptitiously on her thigh beneath the table made it impossible to believe that she was back on Voyager.

She and Chakotay had not discussed how they were going to start letting people know of their change in relationship, but judging by the wink that B'Elanna had given her when they had entered the bar together she had somehow already given it away. At least to those that knew her best.

"It was merely dinner Mr Paris. I fail to see the importance."

"Come on Doc! You had dinner with the ice queen, was it your protons that melted that cold exterior?"

"I think you'll find that Alynna is a most intelligent and cultured individual who wanted to discuss the merits of opera with someone on her intellectual level."

"Alynna eh?"

Kathryn laughed at the conversation between her two former crew members. It had worried her that after their return the camaraderie, the friendship and the family that they had built together over seven years, would wither away. It seemed though that in fact their return had only strengthened their bond. They were, after all, the only ones to truly appreciate what they had been through out there. And the families and friends that had been left behind had merely been added and accepted into the Voyager fold.

The new bonds that had been created, such as Mike and Sekaya and the little of bundle of joy that was coming their way in a few months, were ones to cherish. She watched Jean Luc laugh with B'Elanna and Geordi. Harry was deep in discussion with Worf and Sam Wildman's husband. She wondered briefly if letting her sister befriend Seven was a good idea, but was more than happy to watch her mother try to explain the benefits of traditional baking to Tuvok, who was listening with his reverent Vulcan patience.

As for her, it wasn't so much as a new bond being created between her and Chakotay but a deepening of one that was already there. One she was ready to fully embrace and enjoy. It would have been a mistake to enter into a relationship with Chakotay any sooner. She had needed to get her ship home, she had needed the professional support of Deanna to combat her demons. She was now able to enter into a relationship with a freedom she had never felt before.

It was liberating.

The friendships she had with people like Tom and B'Elanna had been a revelation too. On Voyager there was a deep connection, but that connection had grown significantly since their return. Kathryn supposed that no longer being solely responsible for their lives on a daily basis was a key component to that.

She had had a rather enlightening conversation with B'Elanna earlier that day. The newly minted commander had loosed her tongue as she imbibed the champagne. Giving her opinion on the 'ridiculous' relationship between Seven and the 'p'taq'. She hazarded a guess but assumed that she was talking about Chakotay.

B'Elanna admitted that she had worried about her reaction to the relationship and Kathryn realised that the rather confusing relationship she had with Chakotay on board Voyager was actually understood by the rest of the crew. She also realised that B'Elanna in particular was very perceptive and surprisingly very protective of her, particularly given her friendship with Chakotay.

She felt Chakotay squeeze her thigh and turned to see him looking at her, a grin on his face.

"You looked like you were miles away."

"Just thinking." Kathryn replied and put her hand on top of his.

"About what?" He turned his heated gaze on her and she struggled to remember anything other than the couple of hours they had spent together before getting ready to head down to Sandrines.

"Everything."

Chakotay seemed to understand, as he always did. He moved closer to her, so close that she thought that informing the crew about their relationship was not going to be a problem.

"Admiral." A voice said, and Kathryn nearly groaned, annoyed at whoever had interrupted her moment.

She looked up to see Picard, waiting patiently with a smile and nodding his head towards the pool table.

"I hear that you are supposed to, 'kick my ass' at this event?"

Kathryn grinned and stood up and looked back to Chakotay, who smiled back at her and nodded.

"Rack them up Captain. I feel I am hitting my winning streak today."

"Right you are Admiral."

Picard and the rest of Sandrines turned towards the pool table, anticipating the competition between the two famed commanding officers.

She held out her hand to Chakotay to pull him up out of his chair.

"Any suggestions Captain? A game plan?"

"An incentive maybe?"

"Go ahead."

"Tom put credits on Picard to win."

Kathryn looked at him in surprise.

"Did he now? Thank you Captain."

"My pleasure Admiral."

She took a few steps towards the pool table and looked back to see Chakotay was still standing at the table, a goofy grin on his face.

"Are you with me Chakotay?"

His grin got wider and he looked around towards the pool table before looking back and grasping her hand.

"Always."

=/\=


End file.
